Ek pagal roz kehta- gulel banaunga panchhi ko maruga
5 mahine pagal khane me ilaaz k bad,
Dr. ne pucha- ab kya karoge?
Shadi
phir?
Suhagrat
phir?
Uski sari utaruga
phir?
Blouse
Oho! phir?
Bra utaruga
My god, phir?
Phir kya! Bra k elastic se gulel banaunga aur panchhi ko marunga

Admi Dr. se: Dr. saab mai apni Biwi ko c#odta hu to andar jake lu#d teda ho jata hai,
Dr. ko yakin nahi aata, to admi apni Biwi ko clinic me lakar Dr. k samne c#odta h phir bhi Dr. ko yakin nahi aata,
Kuch din baad kisi shadi me Dr apne dosto k sath khada us admi ka mazak uda raha hota hai. "ki is bewakuf ne apni Biwi ko mere samne c#oda"
Dusri taraf wo admi apne dosto k sath khada Dr ko dekh k hansta hai aur kehta hai "yaar ra#di lekar aaya tha jagah nahi mili to iske clinic me c#od diya."

Teacher-"wats ur name"
Santa-"HOLA"
Teacher-"ye kya naam hua"
Santa-"mai HOLI k din paida hua tha"
Teacher-"thank god tum LOHDI k din paida nhi hue

SuperSex
Teacher: Girl se Condom ka full form batao?
Girl :
C : Control
O : On
N : Natural
D : Drops
O : Of
M : Man
DO BOOND ZINDAGI KI

Ek ladke ne mujhe hath laga kar kaha tumhari tangon ke beech me ye kya hai.
mein ne kaha ye lakir.
mein ne uski tangon ke beech mein hath laga kar kaha ye kya hai.
us ne kaha ye usi lakir ka faqeer hai.

Sardar ga#d silwane mochi ke pass gaya,
mochi ne use 25,000 ka bill diya.
Sardar ne use 50,000 diye, muchi ne kaha "maine to pachchis mange the aap mujhe pachas kyu de rahe ho?"
sardar bahan ke lau%e tera bill dekh ker meri
dubara fat gai.

Ek Tapori ICICI Bank me gaya:
Bhenchod, mere ko A/C. kholna hai.
LadyOfficer:  Hello Mister Tamiz se baat kijiye.
Man:  Tamiz ki Maa ki Chut, Account kaun kholega vo bata.?
Lady ne Manager ko Complaint kiya.
Manager:  kya Battamizi kar rahe ho?
Man:  Battamizi ki Maa ka Bhosda Bhadve, Meri 100Crores ki Lottery lagi hai Batao, Account kaun kholega.?
Manager:  Arre Sir, Aap bhi kaha is Randi se baat kar rahe ho, Main yaha kya Maa Chudvane baitha hu…??
Plz come Sir..
Moral: Targets are Targets..
Tamiz ki ma ka Bhosda..

Todays spcl----Dr. Giving Lecture.....!    Sex ke Time Condom use karne se Enjoyment me koi fark nahi padta..!!
Ek Girl: Polythene me Rasgulla daal ke Choos kar dekh, tab pata chalega, chutiya kahi ka!

1 aurat 2nd aurat se- kya tum sex karte waqt apne pati se baat karti ho?
She replied- agar unka phone aata hai to kar leti hun..
"aakhir pati hai wo mere..

Husband apne sasural me biwi se: aaj sex ho jaye..
Biwi: Nahi hum papa ke ghar hai..
Hus:To kya mere BAAP ka ghar Randikhana hai jo roz taiyar ho jati hai...!

Marwadi ki wife sex karte hue: Sunoji, Is condom se muze 15vi bar kar rahe  bas bhi karo..
Marwadi: Bawri ho gai hai ke?
Iski expiry date march  2016 hai

Girl - Aaj Aisa "SEX" Karo Ki Meri Chillane Ki Aawaj Dur Dur Tak Sunai De
Santa Ne CONDOM Par LAL MIRCH Lagai.
Bas Fir kya ....
M.D.H Ka Tadka
Ang Ang Fadka !!

Use barish achhi lagti thi,
aur mujhe barish me wo…
Use bheegna achcha lagta tha, mujhe bheegti hui wo…
Mujhe wo achhi lgti thi.. Par use koi aur…
Isliye maa c* barish, Aur maa c* woh!!!
Aaj main Aapko ‘Kele ka Kofta’ bnana sikhata hun.
Sabse phle 1 saaf mota Kela lein.
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Agar lene me maza aa raha hai to lete rahe.
Kofte ki Maa ka Bh***da .. fir kabhi ban jayega! 

Lady: Ek shampoo please.
Shopkeeper: Kya dhona hai?
Lady: Kya matlab kya dhona hai, baal dhone hai aur kya?
Shopkeeper: Head ke baal dhone hai toh HEAD & SHOULDERS aur panty ke baal dhone hai toh PANTENE lelo.
Lady: GARNIER de MC. Ga*d ke baal dhone hai.

What do woman usually say after Sex?
I Luv U?
Wrong!
That was great?
Wrong again!
I Luv it?
Aray Nahi Yaar....
Sahi Jawab Hai: Suno Meri BRA PANTY Kaha Rakhi Hai.........

What is the height of poverty?..........
When a girl is ready to get fucked for only 2 rupees....
and you have only 1 rupee!!!!

Sardar: Gand Main Dard Hay
DR: Main Hath Dalta Hon Batana Kaha Hain
Sardar: Andar Aur Andar, Aor Andar , Han Yahain
Dr : Bhonsdii ke Tera To Gala Kharab Hai

ladki boli 200 loongi, HIL HIL k maza du gi...
ladka bola 100 doonga HIL mein khud lu ga..
ladki boli to phir ye 100 bhi bacha le aur hath se HILA le

Tention hai to charas loe,
dimag kamzoor hai to badam ka juice loe,
khoon ke kami hai to Anaar ka juice loe,
Mardaza kamzori hai to.. to .. to.. No Problem .. Mera Lund Choos
Loe.

Ek aurat apne padosi k sath sex kar rahi thi,
k tbhi uska pati aa gaya aur padosi ko pitne laga,
Patni boli: maro aur maro prai aurat pe hath dalta hai,
itne me padosi uske pati ko pitne laga,
Patni fir boli: maro aur maro ''NA KARTA HAI NA KARNE DETA HAI"

One Mouse was fucking an Elephant in a coconut farm.
1 coconut fals on elephant's head.
ELPT-Ouch!
MOUSE-Ouch vouch kuch nahi Gandu, apna shot to aise hi hota hai.

What is pure Hindi name of Condom??
Rubber ki Chiknai yukt Prajanan virodhak mardana Ling ki topi.

Santa: Oye Murge kaise diye?
Murge wala: Rs 50, Rs 40, Rs 10
Santa: Rs 10 itna sasta kyo?
Saab ise aids hai....
Santa: de do mujhe khana hai
GAND thodi marna hai!

Election me jitne ke baad MANMOHAN Ji ne kaha
"Yeh to Sonia Ji ke hath ka kamal hai, Varna Is Umar me to mera khara hona mushkil tha."

70 year old man says to his wife, Darling main tumhare liye chaand taare tod laaunga.
Wife replies, "Daant se roti to tootti nahi, gand se akhrod todne ki baat karte ho!"

Ansoo tere nikle to aankhein meri ho
Dil tera dhadke to dhadkan meri ho
Khuda kare ki apni dosti itni gehri ho,
Baap tu bane to Mehnat meri ho! 

On first night
Wife: aaj mera upwaas hai!
Husband slaped his wife and said
kya mere lund par aata laga hai
jo tera upwas toot jayega.

 आज का भविष्य 👇
सपने में किसी दोस्त का रूम दिखाई दे तो
इसका मतलब है..
की किसी पुरानी girlfriend से मुलाकात होगी। 

गेम शो होस्ट: अगर आपकी बीवी और सास पर
कोई बाघ हमला कर दे तो आप पहले किसको बचाएंगे?
पप्पू: बेशक बाघ को, आखिर बेचारे बचे ही कितने हैं..

मां:- खाना खाने के बाद आज ब्रश मत करना बंटी..
बंटी:- ऐसा क्यों मां..??
मां:- इतना महंगा प्याज़ खाया है,
आसपास वालों को तो पता चलना ही चाहिए..!!!

दोस्त से मिलने अस्पताल गया तो
वो बोला..
दर्द दिलो के कम हो जाते
अगर..
सेब के बदले सिगरेट ले आते 

कुछ लौंडो को इतनी जल्दी रहती है कि
बाइक को प्लेन की तरह उड़ा ले जाते है
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ये वही लौंडे होते है जो पॉर्न मूवी को
2 मिनट से ज्यादा नही देख पाते! 

दुनिया का सबसे खतरनाक जानवर हिरन है..
जिसने सतयुग मेँ श्रीराम का
और
कलयुग मेँ सलमान का जीना हराम कर दिया..

एक बात समझ नही आती.. 😕
साला जापान की खुद जनसंख्या इतनी कम हे…!!
और दुसरो को जापानी तेल बेचता फिर रहा हे।!! 

सच्चे दोस्त वे होते हैं जो…
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मदद करने से पहले दुनिया भर की गालियां देते हैं

बनिया सुहागरात को SEX करते हुए: थारी बहुत loose है।
बीवी (गुस्से से): जल्दी बाहर निकालो !
और मेरी Car, LCD, AC Aur Jewellery भी वापिस करो।
बनिया: गलती हो गई। माहरो ही पतलो है।

गाँव में बिजली आनी थी!
लोग खुश हो नाच रहे थे!
एक कुत्ता भी नाचने लगा।
किसी ने पूछा: तू क्यूँ नाचा?
कुत्ता: खंबे भी तो लगेंगे

Best Jokes 2015

आजकल के बच्चो को क्या पता कि struggle क्या है..
हमने वो समय भी देखा है
जब मोबाइल मे ‘S’ टाइप करना हो तो ‘7’ के बटन
को चार बार दबाना पड़ता था

शरीफ थे इतने कि कभी कमीज के बटन तक नहीं खोले,
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मगर ये बिजली बोर्ड वालों ने तो ‘सनी लियोन’ बना दिया।

कटु सत्य’
व्यक्ती अपने जीवन काल का आधा समय
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होसियारी चोदने में व्यर्थ कर देता है 

ग्वार फली ₹100rs किलो…
सोचो,
पढी लिखी होती तो कितना भाव खाती। 😂
काली मिर्च Rs1000 में एक किलो 😱
सोचो अगर गोरी होती तो ?
कितना भाव खाती.. 😂
सोचो.. सोचो..
हमने तो अब सोचना ही छोड़ दिया.😳
जब से विदया बालन कहने लगी है की ..
जहां सोच वहा शौचालय !

अनलिमिटेड बेइज्जती
गर्मी मै बस स्टॉप पर 25-30 लोग
बस का इंतजार कर रहे थे
एक भिखारी आया और सब से
1-1 रुपया लेकर
ऑटो मै बैठ कर चला गया ..!

पप्पू कार धो रहा था
तभी पास से आण्टी गुजरी और पूछा..
कार धो रहे हो..!!
नही पानी दे रहा हूं,
शायद बडी होकर बस बन जाए.
आण्टी बेहोश 

स्वामी विवेकानंद ने कहा था
‘समझदार आदमी से की गयी
कुछ मिनिट की बात हज़ारो किताबे
पढ़ने से कही बेहतर होती है।’
आपके पास मौका है..
मैं online हू!!

एक बार एक पिता ने अपने छोटे बेटे को पीटा।
बेटे ने रोना शुरु किया तो पिता ने कहा.. SORRY
बेटे ने पिता के हाथ में एक काग़ज़ दिया और बोला..
इसे लीजिए, fold करके हथेली से मसल डालिए और इसे कहिए.. SORRY
क्या वह पहले की तरह हो जाएगा?
पिता उसे बाहर ले गये और कहा..
ये है मेरा स्कूटर , बिना किक मारे स्टार्ट करने की कोशिश कर।
हुआ..?
नहीं ना ..?
अब इसे दो-चार किक मार..
हुआ ना सटार्ट, तू भी स्कूटर है, पेपर नहीं!
आगे से तेरे ये facebook और whatsapp
वाले ज्ञान अपने बाप को मत देना।
समझे..!!

आजकल 10 साल के बच्चो के पास
iPhone और Smartphones हैं.
जब हम 10 साल के थे तब हमारे पास
एक फ़ोन था जिसका कोई भी बटन
दबाने पर एक आवाज आती थी
‘चल छैयां छैया छैया.. छैयां’ 

सोने में आई भारी गिरावट ~
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पहले लोग 10 घण्टे सोते थे।
अब whatsapp के कारण 4 घण्टे ही सोते हैं

एक औरत ने तेजी से आ रही बस को हाथ दिखाकर रोका
ड्राइवर ने अचानक ब्रेक मारा और पूछा-
कहां जाना है
औरत बोली- जाना कहीं नहीं है..
बच्चा रो रहा है जरा पों-पों बजा दो.

संता ने ब्लड टेस्ट करवाया
रिज़ल्ट आया ‘A+’
सोच कर बड़ा अचरज हुआ कि
साली कामयाबी तो रग रग मे दौड़ रही है ..
तो साला स्कुल मे ‘C’ क्यों मिलता था ..

ज़िन्दगी में इंसान को सबसे ख़राब feeling कब आती है?
जब पेट्रोल पंप पर 20 रुपये का पेट्रोल भरवाने
जाए और उसी वक़्त कोई beautiful लड़की आ
जाये और वो कमीना पेट्रोल भरने वाला दो तिन
बार पूछेभाई कितने का डालु।

एक आदमी ने होटल के कमरे से मैनेजर को फोन किया.
आदमी- प्लीज, जल्दी मेरे कमरे में आईये.. बहुत जरूरी है !
मैनेजर- क्या हुआ सर ?
आदमी- मेरी पत्नी कह रही है कि वो तुम्हारे होटल की खिडकी से कूद कर जान दे देगी.
मैनेजर- माफ कीजिये सर, पर इसमें हम कुछ नहीं कर सकते !
ये आपकी पर्सनल प्रॉब्लम है !
आदमी- हरामखोर! ये खिडकी नहीं खुल रही है.. ये मेंटेनेंस प्रॉब्लम है !!

Sir: Koi bata sakta hai Bhagwan ne ladkiya kyu banayi?
Me: Hamari zindagi jhand karne ko.
After a long pause.
Sir: Aansu laa diye tere jawab ne.
Class ke baad mil Daru pite hai.

वैज्ञानिक पागल हो चुके है
पर अभी तक वो ये पता नही लगा पाए
कि
जूते चप्पल उल्टे हो जाने से
घर में झगड़ा कैसे हो जाता है।

इसी बीच पाकिस्तान का
कहना है कि बजरंगी भाईजान
द्वारा सिर्फ मुन्नी को वापस
करने से रिश्ते नहीं सुधरेंगे।
रिश्ते सुधारना हो तो
सनी देयोल को हैंडपंप भी वापस करना होगा

इसको बोलते हैं Positive Attitude:
पति दारू पीकर रात को लेट घर आता है
पत्नी: हाथ में झाडू लेकर सामने खडी दिखती है
पति: कितना काम करेगी तू ?
रात के दो बजे हैं सोना नहीं है क्या.. 

क्यूट तो मे ‪‎बचपन‬ से ही हू..
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जब पैदा हुआ तब मम्मी को तो क्या,
नसॅ को भी‪ ‎मजबूर‬ कर दिया था चुम्मी लेने को..!!

Mom: Sofa letne ke liye nahi hota baithne ke liye hota hai
Son: Ha toh Chappal bhi maarne k liye nahi pehen ne ke liye hoti hai..
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Ek chappl aur padi..

Boy explaining computer problem to girl on phone :
Boy: my computr pe rightclick kr…
Girl: kia..fir..
Boy: ab manage pe click kr or device manager khol..
Girl: achha fir
Boy: ab upr dekh, kya hai!
Girl: pankha 

 Breakup Ke Baad Ladke ne Ek Heart Touching Baat kahi
Tu Mujhe Chhod ke CHALI gayi Iska Mujhe Dukh nahi hai..
Lekin Wapis Aake Meri Dusri SETTING Bigaadi To Bahut Mar Khayegi Tu..!!

Boy and girl chatting on fb.
Boy : hi
girl : how are you ??
Boy : mai theek hu.. Thanks
Girl : maine poochha how are you ?
Boy : maine kahaa to mai theek hu
Girl : ek to english nahi aati aur oopar se aa gaye fb pe chat karne maine poochha how are you matab tum kaun ho ?
Boy : theek huu didi bas apna chhota bhai samjho hahahaha

Sunny Leone:- Doctor, aajkal bahut thakan mehsus hoti hai?
Lagta hai khoon kam ho gaya hai.
Doctor:- Periods ke waqt kitna loss hota hai..???
Sunny Leone (sochte hue):- Yehi Koi 30-40 lakh Ka !!

Duniya me 2 ✌ kaam bahut ache hue
Ek to whatsapp aane se pehle padhai complete hogyi
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aur dusra MAGGI band hone se pehle bachpan nikal gaya 

Aunty: Are Beta..
Kitna Bada ho gaya hai..!!
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Ladka: Aree Aunty, Aapne Kab Dekha?

Rahul Gandhi : Aap Khet me kya kya banate ho ?
Farmer : Gehu, Chaval, Bajri
Rahul Gandhi: To Kissan Jam Kon banata he ?
Farmer : Bhai tuu chhuutti pe hi achcha tha.

Boy apni girlfriend ki maar raha tha,
Achanak bola:
Mujhe AIDS hai..
Girlfriend- KYA?
Boy- Ghabrao Mat..
Me mazak kar raha hu,
Bas tumhari tight karni thi..!!

A Little boy asks to Sunny Leone :-
Aunty ji, you have a Bungalow,
a Car, Bank balance, Nauker-Chaaker..,
Aap karti Kya Hai..??
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Sunny Leone replies:-
Bas Beta, Ek Chhota sa ‘HOLE-SALE’ ka Business hai..

Jokes For Kids

Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7, 8, 9.

Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to school?
A: He wanted to go to high school.

Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: Nacho cheese!

Q: What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A: A tuba toothpaste.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Pizza.
Pizza who?
Pizza really great guy!

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: You put a little boogie in it.

Q: A man arrived in a small town on Friday. He stayed for two days and left on Friday. How is this possible?
A: His horse's name is Friday

Q: Which flower talks the most?
A: Tulips, of course, because they have two lips!

After many years, a prisoner is finally released.
He runs around yelling, "I'm free! I'm free!"
A little kid walks up to him and says, "So what? I'm 4."

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, silly. Cows go "moo!"........Best jokes for adult

Q: What did the mushroom say to the fungus?
A: You're a fun guy [fungi].

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?
A: Kitty Perry

Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver

Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!

Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
A: Ouch

Q: What do you call a funny mountain?
A: hill-arious

Q: What is black and white and black and white and black and white and...?
A: A penguin falling down the stairs!

Q: What did the sick chicken say?
A: Oh no! I have the people-pox!

Q: Why do seagulls like to live by the sea?
A: Because if they lived by the bay they would be bagels!

Q: What did one toilet say to the other?
A: You look a bit flushed.

Q: What is a ghosts favorite position in soccer?
A: Ghoul keeper

Q: What is a Cheerleader's favorite food?
A: Cheerios! 

Q: Why did the basketball player go to jail?
A: Because he shot the ball. 

Q: What do you call a pig who plays basketball?
A: A ball hog!

Q: At what sport to waiters do really well?
A: Tennis, because they can serve so well.

Q: Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
A: He was perfecting his swing.

Q: How do football players stay cool during the game?
A: They stand close to the fans? 

Q: Knock, knock----Who's There?----Tank----Tank Who?
A: You're welcome!

Q: Why did the cat go to Minnesota?
A: To get a mini soda!....Best 2015 jokes

Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
A: Fsh!

Q: What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?
A: A watch dog.

Q: How does a dog stop a video?
A: He presses the paws button.

Q: What is a cat’s favorite movie?
A: The sound of Mew-sic!

Q: What is a cheetahs favorite food?
A: Fast food!

Q: What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?
A: Me-ow!

Q: Where does an elephant pack his luggage?
A: In his trunk!

फनी संता बंता जोक्स

बंता: यार संता ये 'One Night Stand'क्या होता है?
संता: रात को पहले किसी बार में जाओ और किसी लड़की को पटाओ, फिर उसे थोड़ी दारू पिलाओ और किसी तरह उसे अपने घर लेकर आओ, फिर अपना मूड बनाओ, अगर ठोकने से पहले वो सो गयी तो तेरा 'One Night Stand'हो जायेगा।

संता और जीतो दुकान के बाहर खड़े होकर अंदर देख रहे थे।
दुकानदार: आईये मैडम, अंदर आकर 'Choose'कर लें।
संता(गुस्से से): साले बहन के लौड़े तू बाहर आकर मेरा चूस ले।

लड़की की टी-शर्ट पर लिखा था:
अमूल - द टेस्ट ऑफ़ इंडिया।
उसे देख कर संता बहुत प्रभावित हुआ और अपनी पैंट पर लिख दिया:
कुरकुरे - टेढ़ा है पर मेरा है।

संता एक घर के नीचे दीवार के साथ सुसु कर रहा था। ऊपर से एक औरत बोली, "दिखता नहीं दीवार है?"
संता: थोड़ा साइड से देखो, दिख जायेगा।

संता: यार लगता है मेरी पत्नी मेरे साथ बेवफ़ाई कर रही है।
बंता: वो कैसे?
बंता: यार कल रात वो घर पे नहीं थी। मैंने पूछा तो बोली कि अपनी सहेली के घर गयी थी, पर उसकी सहेली के घर पे तो मैं था।................संता बंता जोक्स 

संता: गरीबी और मज़बूरी पता है क्या होती है?
बंता: नहीं पता!
संता: गरीबी वह है जब कोई लड़की 50 रुपये में अपना सब कुछ देने को तैयार हो जाये और मज़बूरी वह कि लड़के की जेब में सिर्फ 40 रुपये ही हों!

एक बार संता पेरिस घूमने गया।
वहाँ उसने किताबों की दुकान पर एक लड़की को देखा जो किसी हिंदी की किताब को देख रही थी यह देखकर उसने लड़की से पूछा, "क्या आप हिंदी जानती हैं?"
लड़की ने मुस्कुरा कर संता की तरफ देखा और बोली, "हाँ एक रात के 500 फ्रैंक!"

एक बार संता को हिचकी आई और हिचकी के साथ ही पाद निकल गया।
संता बोला,"कमाल है! याद करने वाले ने तो गांड ही फाड़ दी।

पति-पत्नी ट्रेन में ऊपर की सीट पर बैठे थे।
पति: जब मैं बोलूं कोका-कोला, तब तुम कपड़े उतार देना, जब मैं बोलूं पेप्सी तो अपनी टाँगे खोल देना और जब तू बोलेगी थम्स-अप तो मैं अन्दर डाल दूंगा।
नीचे बैठा संता बोला,"बहनचोद अगर लिम्का मेरे ऊपर गिरा तो तुम्हारी माँ चोद दूंगा।"

संता: मुझे शक है, मेरी बीवी की चड्ढी तेरे बेड रूम में है।
बंता: यार भाभी चड्ढी कहाँ पहनती है?
संता: अरे हाँ यार, सॉरी फ़ालतू में ही तुझ पे शक किया।

विक्रेता लड़की ने कहा,"माफ़ करना सर, आप यहाँ पर धूम्रपान नहीं कर सकते।
बंता: लेकिन मैंने तो सिगरेट यहीं से खरीदी है?
विक्रेता लड़की: सर हम कंडोम भी बेचते हैं, लेकिन इसका ये मतलब नहीं कि आप मुझ से ही शुरू हो जायेंगे।

जीतो: जानू आपने कोई ऐसी गाली सुनी है जो देखी भी हो?
संता: हँसने लगा और बोला हां।
जीतो: कौन सी?
संता हँसते हुए बोला, "तेरी बहन की चूत।"

एक बार संता के घर में चोर घुस आया। संता ने उसे पकड़ लिया और अपने बेटे से कहा, "इसकी गांड मार"।
पप्पू ने काफी प्रयास किया और कहा अंदर नहीं जा रहे हैं।
संता: चल छूरी ले और इसकी गांड फाड़, फिर डाल।
चोर घबराकर बोला: साहब, एक बार थूक लगाकर तो प्रयास कर लो।

संता जब वापस घर आया तो उसने देखा कि जीतो सोफ़े पर स्कर्ट में बैठी हुई थी लेकिन उसने पैंटी नहीं पहनी थी। संता को देखते ही वोह टांगे फैलाने लगी।
संता को हेराँ और परेशां देखकर जीतो हँसते हुए बोली, "ऐसे क्या देख रहे हो? पैंटी नहीं पहनी है।"
संता: तूने तो मुझे डरा ही दिया था, मुझे लगा कि सोफा फट गया है।

एक बच्चे की गांड में कंचे (बंटे) की गोली फंस गई।
डॉक्टर (संता) देखकर बोला, "मैंने आज तक काफ़ी गांडें देखी है पर ये पहली गांड है जो मुझे देख रही है।"

संता के बच्चा हुआ। वह हस्पताल में बीवी और बच्चा को मिलने गया और बच्चा को देख कर बोला, "बिल्कुल मेरी जैसी आँखें, छोटी-छोटी और मेरी जैसी नाक छोटी सी।
जीतो बच्चे का लंगोट खोल के बोली, "यहाँ पर काका नंबर ले गया?"

संता: रोज़ रोज़ पालक की सब्जी खिलाती हो मैं तंग आ गया हूँ।
जीतो: पालक में आयरन (Iron) होता है जी।
संता: तो क्या मेरी गांड से टी एम् टी (TMT) सरिया निकलवायेगी?

संता ने रेलवे रिजर्वेशन फॉर्म में लिंग के सामने लिखा, "8 इंच"।
महिला अधिकारी: ये क्या है, काटो इसे?
संता: कितना?
महिला अधिकारी: पूरा।
संता: माँ चुदाओ, मैं बस से चला जाऊँगा।..........Bittusharma.com

संता को रोज़ वियाग्रा खाता देख, बंता ने पूछा, "तुम्हारी बीवी माइके गयी है और न ही तुम्हारी कोई गर्लफ्रेंड है, फिर तुम हर रोज़ वियाग्रा क्यों खाते हो?"
संता: बस ऐसे ही, कच्छे (अंडरवियर) में रौनक लगी रहती है।

एक महिला जिसने ब्रा नहीं पहना हुआ था अंगूर बेच रही थी।
संता ने कहा, "क्षमा करना, आम दिख रहे हैं"।
महिला ने कहा, "भाई साहब, तभी तो अंगूर बिक रहे हैं"।

संता भागा-भागा संता के घर आया और हांफते हुए बंता से बोला, "यार, मैंने अभी-अभी तेरी बीवी को गश्तियों के अड्डे पर देखा, थोडा ख्याल रखा कर।"
बंता (रोते हुए): हाय! यह क्या हो गया? मेरी बीवी को चूत लेने की आदत कहाँ से पड़ गयी?

जीतो रात को कपडे उतारते हुए तिरछी नज़र से संता की तरफ देखते हुए बोली, "तुम्हें पता है न क्या करना है?"
संता: तेरी ऐसी की तैसी, मैं इतनी रात को कपडे नहीं धोऊंगा।

एक बहुत काली औरत अपने दो बच्चों के साथ जा रही थी।
उसे देख कर संता ने उससे पूछा, "क्या यह दोनों जुड़वाँ हैं?"
औरत: नहीं एक साल का फ़र्क़ है।
संता: यकीन नहीं होता कि कोई आपकी दो बार भी ले सकता है।

साली ने पहली बार मिनी स्कर्ट पहनी और संता से बोली, "जीजू, देखो तो, झुकने से मेरी पैंटी तो नहीं दिखती?"
संता काफी देर तक देखने के बाद बोला, "नहीं दिख रही, पर याद से पहन लेना"।

बंता: विदेश के लोग गोरे और यहाँ के काले क्यों होते हैं?
संता : क्योंकि वहां लोग कोल्ड क्रीम (Cold Cream) लगा के सेक्स करते हैं और यहाँ सरसों का तेल लगा के!

संता: ओये, तेरे बूब्स रातो-रात इतने बड़े कैसे हो गए, और निप्पल भी गायब हो गए?
जीतो: ओ जी, आप फिर दारु पीकर गाँड चूस रहे हो।

पिंकी: पापा, भैया ने आपको गाली दी, बेटी चोद।
संता: आने दे साले को उसकी बहन चोद दूंगा।
पिंकी: रहने दो पापा, दोनों तरफ से मैं ही चुदुंगी

जीतो सुहागरात को बोली: इतनी देर मुंह में लेकर चूसा लेकिन आपका खड़ा ही नहीं हुआ।
संता: जीतो तू हट जा, हाथों के भूत होंठो से नहीं मानते।

संता: एक ग्लास दूध देना।
जीतो: 'ब्रा'ऊपर करके बोली मुंह लगाकर पी लो।
संता: तेरी इसी हरकत की वजह से मैंने पानी नहीं माँगा।

हकीम सेक्स की गोली बेचता हुआ बोला: एक गोली लोगे तो लंबा होगा और दो लोगे तो खंबा होगा।
संता: तीन लिए तो?
हकीम: अबे भोसड़ी के तुझे चोदना है कि खोदना है।

साली: जीजा जी, 500 रुपये दे दो, अगले हफ्ते दे दूंगी।
संता: तू 500 नहीं 1000 ले ले, पर अभी दे दे।

संता: तुम नीचे के बाल कैसे साफ़ करते हो?
बंता: रेजर से और तुम?
संता: जरुरत ही नहीं, मेरी बीवी बातें ही ऐसी करती है की झांटे सुलग जाती हैं।

One Liner Jokes

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.

Why is there so much blood in my alcohol system?

I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I sometimes watch birds and wonder "If I could fly who would I shit on?"

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

Never break someone's heart because they have only one inside...break their bones because they have 206 of them.

My mind wants to dance but my body is a really awkward white guy.

I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe

If you are here - who is running hell?

How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

Here's $10. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.

The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don't have as many people who believe it.

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.

The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".

Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.

I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.

Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don't see them crying about it.

I don't think you act stupid, I'm sure it's the real thing.

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

Failure is not an option—it comes bundled with the software.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".

Never laugh at your girlfriends choices... your one of them.

I'm sorry I wasn't part of your past, can I make it up by being in your future?

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this."

If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

Super Funny Quotes

गब्बर: आज मेने बसंती को नहाते वक्त देखा….
वीरू: कुत्ते कमीने… मैं तेरा खून पि जाऊंगा!.
गब्बर: रिलेक्स बेवडे…मैं नहा रहा था…. बसंती जा रही थी….
जब देखो तब खून पि जाऊंगा.

एक औरत की बड़े शहर में इंटरव्यू के बाद नौकरी लग गई.
उसने सोचा- अपने पति को SMS कर दूँ, ताकि उन्हें चिन्ता ना हो. पर गलती  से SMS दूसरे नंबर पर चला गया.
जिसको यह SMS मिला, वह अपनी पत्नी का अंतिम संस्कार कर के लौट रहा था.
SMS पढ़ते ही वो बेहोश हो गया.
SMS कुछ इस तरह का था…
मैं सही सलामत पहूंच गई हूँ.
यहाँ रहने की भी अच्छी सुविधा है.
आप चिन्ता मत करना.
१-२ दिन में आपको भी बुला लूंगी.
आपकी पत्नी.

गब्बर – गंदे
सांबा – तुम गंदे
गब्बर – गंदे
सांबा -  तुम गंदे
गब्बर – गन दे भूतनी के गन !!

बहु बरामदे में बैठे ससुर के पास खाली चाय का कप लेने गई…
तो कप लेने के लिए जैसे ही झुकी तो पाद💨 निकल गया
बहु शर्म के मारे बिना कप उठाये वापस जाने लगी,
ससुर ने आवाज लगाई -”बहु यहाँ कुछ काम था कि सिर्फ पादने आई थी…???”

Bahut phele ki baat hai ki . . Ki . .kiii . . Wo
.
.
Sorry yaad nahi aa rahi . ,

A potato was being interrogated by CID. After lot of serious interrogation potato says.
‘Mat maro mujhe. Main BATATA hoon, main BATATA hoon’

Beggar: “Kuch khaane ka do! 2 Din se kuch Nahi Khaya”
Pandit: “Tamatar Khao”
Beggar: “Roti do baba”
Pandit: “Tamatar Khao”
Beggar: “Tamatar hi khila do”
Pandit’s Wife: “Ye Totla bolte he, Keh rahe he KAMAKAR KHAO !”

At the Indo-Pak border, an Indian officer shouts at a Pakistani spy,”Goli maar dunga!”
The Pakistani spy replies, “Goli se darr nahi lagta sa’ab, ‘Kohli’ se lagta hai!”

Sonu: “Duniya Me Sabase Jyada Himmat Wala Kon?”
Monu: “DHOBI”
Sonu: “Kaise?”
Monu: “Kisi ke Bhi Ghar Ja ke Keh Sakta Hai Sahab, Madam Ko Bolo, Kapde Nikal Ke Rakhen, Main Abhi A kar Leta Hoon”

Marwadi aur sardar me difference?
Taxi Driver: “Saab, Brake fail ho gaya hai.”
Marwadi: “Koi baat nahi pahele meter bandh kar do.”
Sardar: “Oye koi baat nahi agli baar pass ho jayega.”

Sardar to Gujarati Seth: Sethji, hum ek anath ashram bana rahe hain.
Kanjoos Gujarati: Very good !
Sardar: Aap hamare anath ashram ke liye kya kar sakte ho ?
Kanjoos Gujarati: Mein anath ashram mein apne 4 bachhe ko bhej sakta hu.

Funny Santa ne Banta ko Hindi SMS bheja: Bhejane-wala mahaan, padhane-wala gadha.
Banta gusse me vapis sms bhejta hai: Bhejane-wala gadha, padhane-wala mahaan.

You have two ‘agarbattis’ on a boat but no source of fire. How will you light an agarbattis if you are in the middle of the river?
Answers are:
1. Throw an agarbatti into the river. It make the boat lighter. Use it to light agarbatti
2. Throw an agarbatti in air and catch it. Catches win matches. Use these matches to light agarbatti
3. Take some river water, let it fall drop by drop. You know that “Tip-tip barsa pani, pani ne aag lagai.”. Use it to light the agarbatti.

Santa came to the US and was lying on a beach in California.
An American: “Are you relaxing?”
Santa: “No, I am SantaSingh!”
Another American: “Are you relaxing?”
Santa: “No, I am SantaSingh!”
Another American: “Are you relaxing?”
Santa: “No (shouting), I am SantaSingh!”
Santa left that place in anger and went to the other end.
Then Santa asked one American lying nearby, “Are you relaxing?”
The American: “Yes.”
Santa slapped him and said, “Haramkhor sab tujhe dhund rahe hain aur tu yahaan padaa hai!”

Teacher: “Pappu, batao Parle G ke packet pe jo Green dot bana hai uska matlab kya hai?”
Pappu: “Ma’am iska matlab Parle G online baithe hain !!”…;)

Teacher: Daya! Ek taraf paisa hai aur ek taraf dimaag, kya select karogey??
Daya: “Paisa”
Teacher: Galat! Me hoti to dimaag leti.
Daya: Apni apni Jarurat hoti hai Madam 

Super Funny Quotes

Teacher: “Tumhare papa Rs.500 ki loan lete hain. 10% interest ke hisab se voh 1 saal bad loan vapis karte hain. Batao kitne paise vapis karenge?”
Bania’s son: “Kuch bhi nahi.”
Teacher: “Tum maths nahi jante.”
Bania’s son: “Me to maths janta hu, par aap mere papa ko nahi jante.”

In 1975, 3 Birds were flying and suddenly they died and fell down.
Why??
..
Remember In SHOLAY, Gabbar had shot 3 bullets in Air.

A Gujarati, a Madrasi and a Sardar were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were having lunch and Gujju opened his lunch box & said, “Dhokla !
If I get dhokla one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this
building.”
The Madrasi opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Idli Sambhar again! If
I get idli sambhar one more time I’m going to jump off too.”
The Sardar opened his lunch and said, “Paratha again! If I get a paratha
one more time, I’m jumping too.”
The next day, the Gujju opened his lunch box, saw dhokla, and jumped to
his death.
The Madrasi opened his lunch, saw idli sambhar, and jumped, too.
The Sardar opened his lunch, saw the paratha and jumped to his death as
well.
At the funeral, Gujju’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I’d known how
really tired he was of dhokla, I never would have given it to him
again!”
The Madrasi’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him dosa! I
didn’t realize he hated idli sambhar so much.”
Everyone turned and stared at the sardar’s wife.
.
.
.
Sardar’s wife said, “Don’t look at me, He makes his own lunch.”

A boy on a date in BMW car,
boy: maine tumse ek baat chupaayi hai.
GIRL; kya ?
BOY: I’m already married,
GIRL: tumne to dara hi diya tha, main samjhi BMW tumhari nahi hai.

Faqir:- pehle aap roz 10rs dete the, fir 5, ab 1. Kyun?
Aadmi:- pehle me kunwara tha, fir shaadi ki, ab bacche hai.
Faqir:- Bahut khoob! Matlab mere rupeeyon se aayashi….sharam bhi nahi aaati!!

Teacher: What is your name?
Student: Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai.
Teacher: When I ask a question in English, I want answer in English.
Student: Ok. My name is Sunlight.
Teacher: What is your name?
Student2: My name is Beautiful Red Underwear
Teacher: What kind of a name is this? Don’t joke tell me the right name
Student2: My name is Sunderlal Chadda.

Santa: Me yahan nahi rahunga,Itna chhota room,No window, No Bathroom, Return my money.
Waiter: Waiter: Mere Baap ! Upar room me to chal, Yeh to lift hai
Aaj ka Quiz:
Wo kon sa player hai Jo din mein India k liye khelta hai aur raat ko Pakistan ke liye??
.
.
.
Sania Mirza..

Santa and his pregnant wife who was about to deliver were running and Banta saw them,
Banta:O Santa singh, oye woti nu ais haal vitch le ke kithey puj rya vain,
Santa: assi Pizza hut chaley aan, sunya aa othey free delivery hondi aaa

Wife: “Ye ‘inflation’ kya hai?”
Husband: “Pehle tu 36-24-36 thee. Ab tu 48-38-48 hai. Tere paas pehle se sab kuchh jyaada hai. Fir bhi teri value kam hai – bas yahi ‘inflation’ hai!”

Ek aadmi ki 6 fingers thi..
To Log usko Pappu kehte the…
batao kyon?
…
…
Kyunki Uska Naam Pappu Tha..

Santa Walking On Road, Saamne Gobar Pada Tha
Santa Ne Jhuk Kar Ungli Dal Kar Taste Kia Aur Bola: Oh! Ye To Gobar Hai, Thank God Mera Pair Nai Pada 

Santa: “Bachpan Mein Maan Ki Baat Suni Hoti To Aaj Ye Din Na Dekhne Padte.”
Banta: “Kya Kehta Tha Maan?”
Santa: “Jab Baat Hi Nhi Suni To Mujhe Kya Pata, Kya Kehta Tha 

Father: “Beta maine tere liye ek ladki dekhi hai, woh ‘Roopvati’, ‘Gunvati’ aur ‘Sarasvati’ hai!”
Son: “Woh sab to theek hai papa, lekin mein kisi aur se pyaar karta hoon aur woh ‘Garbhvati’ hai!”

Ek aadmi dudh pite hue mar gaya. Kaise?
..
..
Kyunki bhens niche beth gayi.

Rajkumari ko those those places dikhane hain, Jaha hamara bachpan khila tha

Aaiye main aapko third standard ka ek jag-zahir kissa sunau
Hum log school bunk karke yaha par aa ke nahate the, Nange hmmm

Aap chahte hain ki ye lekar ham accept kar le ki Aap jite aur ham haare
Bhai behno me kaisy haar jeet?

Chandrika, ab to har hisse main tum ho
Kya humein hamare hisse me hamari behan vapis mil sakti hain..

Saari Shikayatein ek sath likhwa dijiye
Much shirt tie pant underwear baniyan kuch mat chodiye
Dhajiya udaa dijiye
Lekin pyaar nahi karta, Yeh mat likhwaiye..

9 Bachcho ke baap lagte ho
Ab No bachcho ke baap lagte ho

Romance Diwaan sahab, Young India Ka Romance kaha samjhenge aap?
Rajkumari ko hamari muche nahi pasand thi Much-Munde ho gaye
Rajkumari naak nahi pasand, Naak katwa de aapke liye?

Ohh Thari, Beautiful Naari, Iske liye thoda sa waqt hain

Sukh Dukh Juthe,
Dhan bhi jhutha
Jhuti moh maya aaaa
Sachchaa man ka..
Vo kaun aa jaha..
Prem Ratan Paya.........Movie dialouges

Main vapas aa gaya
Main vapas aa gaya

Har Family me problem hain
Par vo khushnasib hain, Jinki Family hoti hain

Kabhi Kabhi aisa lagta hain, Ki tum koi aur ho

Saiyaan tu kamaal kaa
Baatein bhi kamaal ki

Funny Short Jokes

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!" 

Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No...
Girl: I am the principal's daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No...
Boy: Good! *walks away*

Husband (watching a video):
Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What 'ya watching?
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "I m sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

Imagine the moment when you are flying in plane on very high altitude and from the window, you see a man flying with air bags with a board saying: I was your Pilot!

In marriage, daughter runs and goes back to her room..
Mother stops her on the way and says: please do not go back, just go with your hubby.
Daughter: Please leave me, I am just going back to take my phone charger, it is gonna die!

Teacher: Name some countries?
Australian Kid: Australia..
Teacher: That is it?
Kid: Yes.
Teacher: Aren't Africa, UK, US, India, Singapore, Europe countries?
Kid: Nope, They are not country, they are Foreign countries..

There is two kinds of suicide..
One is take a rope and hand on fa..Second have marriage and hand on whole life..

Man: First cried a lot than stopped and asked.... failed.....from how many numbers???
After exercise I always eat pizza, Just kidding.. I don't Exercise!!

All men are brave,
Horrors movies don't scare them...
But.....
10 missed calls from wife-----surely does!

Patient to Nurse: I Love You. Tumne mera dil chura liya hai!
Nurse: Chal hat jhute, humne to teri kidney churai hai !!

Sardar had twins. He named them Tin and Martin.
Again had twins and named them Peter and Repeater.
Again twins and named them Max and Climax.
Again the same. Disgusted Sardar named them Tired & Retired.

Santa Singh was brought to court on charges of drunken driving.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted,
“Order! Order!”
Santa responded immediately, “Thank you , your honour! I’ll have a scotch and soda.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.  The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

Jokes In Hindi

गोलगप्पे खाने के बाद सुखी पापडी ना मिले तो..
लडकियाँ 10 sec के भीतर ही
दुर्गा का रूप धारण कर लेती हैँ !!

विज्ञानं के टीचर ने छात्रो से पूछा…
“एलोवीरा” क्या होता है ?
छात्र:
सर पंजाब मैं जब छोटा भाई
बड़े भाई को “व्हिस्की” का पेग बना के
देता है..
तो केहता है..”ए लो वीरा”!!

डॉक्टर:
तुम रोज सुबह क्लिनिक के बहार खड़े होकर औरतो को क्यों घूरते हो?
सरदार: जी आप ने ही लिखा है,
“औरतो को देखने का समय सुबह 9 बजे से 11 बजे तक!”

पुलिस दरवाजा खटखटाते हैं..
संता : कौन दरवाजा खटखटा रहा हैं?
पुलिस : हम पुलिस हैं, दरवाजा खोलो!
संता – क्यूँ खोलू ?
पुलिस – कुछ बात करनी हैं |
संता : तुम लोग कितने हो !
पुलिस : हम ३ हैं |
संता : तो सालों आपस में बात कर लो, मेरे पास टाइम नहीं है ।

Wife:
सुनो जी, आपके Birthday के लिए
इतने MAST कपड़े लिए हैं ….
कि बस पुछो ही मत ..!
Husband :
Love u Janu ,
लाओ दिखाओ …
Wife: हां, अभी पहन के आती हूं …
Husband : :-O ?$%& …. !!!

Santa बस में खड़ा था..
ब्रेक लगी तो एक लड़की पर जा गिरा;
लड़की: बत्तमीज़, क्या कर रहे हो ?
Santa: Engineering.. और आप ??

बुरा ना मानो होली है कह कर,
मेरे पडोसी ने मुझ पर रंग फेंका था ।
कल मै भी बुरा ना मानो दिवाली है कह के,
उस पर बम फेक दूंगा।
फिर सारा मोहल्ला रात भर मुझे ढूंढेगा!

आज कल के बच्चे रिफ्रेश होने के लिए जहाँ वाटर पार्क,
गेम सेंटर जाने की जिद करते हैं …
वहीं हम ऐसे बच्चे थे जो मम्मी-पापा के एक झापङ से ही फ्रेश हो जाते थे.!

मारवाड़ी ने शेख को खून देकर उसकी जान बचाई
शेख ने खुश होकर उसे Mercedes कार गिफ्ट की!
शेख को फिर खून की जरूरत पड़ी,
मारवाड़ी ने फिर खून दिया
अबकी बार शेख ने सिर्फ लड्डू दिए,
मारवाड़ी (गुस्से से): इस बार सिर्फ लड्डू??
शेख: भाई, अब हमारे अंदर भी मारवाड़ी का खून दौड़ रहा है!!

एक बार एक चौधरी अपने लड़के के लिये लड़की देखने गया
लड़की कुछ ज्यादा ही काली थी, चौधरी को बिलकुल पसंद नहीं आई
लड़की का बाप बोला- चौधरी साहब लड़की पसंद कर जाओ, कार दे देंगे दहेज़ में
चौधरी बोला – भाई तू तो कार दे देगा, अगर ये काला जामुन हमारे घर आ गया तो अगली पीढ़ी में हमें हमारी लड़की ब्याहने के लिए हेलीकॉप्टर देना पड़ेगा!!!!!

एक शराबी सड़क के किनारे बहुत ज्यादा पीने के कारण लगभग बेसुध सा पड़ा हुआ था.
एक भले आदमी ने उसके पास आकर पूछा:
आखिर इतनी ज्यादा पीनेकी क्या जरूरत थी ?
शराबी:
मजबूरी थी … पीने के अलावा और कोई चारा ही नहीं था..
भला आदमी: आखिर ऐसी क्या मजबूरी हो गई थी?
शराबी: बोतल का ढक्कन गुम हो गया था..!

बंता ने हज़ामत की दूकान खोली,
एक दिन संता शेव कराने आया.
बंता: मुछ रखनी है?
संता: हाँ
बंता (मुछ काट कर): ले रख ले जहा रखनी है!

4 सरदार ट्रैन के पीछे भाग रहे थे..
2 चढ़ गए,
तो ट्रैन में लोगो ने कहा
“WELL DONE”
सरदार:
ख़ाक well done
जाना तो उन्हें था, हम तो छोड़ने आये थे.

बच्चा: अंकल डेटाल साबुन है क्या?
दुकानदार (नाक से ऊँगली निकालते हुए):
हाँ बेटा, है ना!
बच्चा: तो फिर हाथ धोके क्रीमरोल दे दो…
स्वच्छ भारत अभियान को समर्पित

परेशानी का कोई माप दंड नहीं होता साहब…..
हमारा “Admin” केवल ये सोचकर ही परेशान रहता है कि…
कैमरा गोल होता है
फिर.??
फ़ोटो चौकोनी क्यों आती है!!

हिसार में एक सिग्नल पर एक महिला की कार ग्रीन सिग्नल होने पर दुबारा स्टार्ट नहीं हुई ।
लोग पीछे से होर्न बजाने लगे, सिग्नल ग्रीन से यलो तथा यलो से वापस रैड हो गया लेकिन कार स्टार्ट नहीं हुई ।
लोग चिल्ल पौं मचाने लगे तभी
हरियाणा पुलिस का ट्रैफिक हवलदार रामफल वहाँ आया
और उस महिला ड्राइवर से बडी ही विनम्रता पूर्वक बोला :
“मैडम के बात हुई, कोई सा भी कलर पसंद ना आया के ?”

वक़्त और जरुरत के हिसाब से आदमी की सोच बदल जाती हे,
जब चाय में मक्खी गिर जाती हे
तो चाय फेक देते हे
और
घी में गिर जाये तो मक्खी!!

एक गुजराती बादाम बेच रहा था
सरदार ने पूछा ये खाने से क्या होता है ?
गुजराती : दिमाग़ तेज़ होता है ..
सरदार : केसे ?
गुजराती : अच्छा ये बताओ 1 किलो चावल में कितने दाने होते है
सरदार : पता नही …
गुजराती ने उसको बादाम खिलाया और बोला ,
बताओ 1 दर्जन में कितने केले होते है ?
सरदार : 12
गुजराती : देखा दिमाग तेज़ हो गया ना
सरदार : 2 किलो दे यार , कमाल की चीज़ है

पठान ने अपने मोहल्ले मेँ रहने वाले एक आदमी को खूब पीटा ..
बात पँचायत तक पहुँच गई
पँचायत मेँ पठान से पूछा गया
कि तुमने इस आदमी को क्यों मारा ?
पठान – ये आदमी पुरे मोहल्ले मेँ कहता रहता है
अच्छे काम करो तुम्हेँ जन्नत मिलेगी .सरपंच – तो ठीक ही तो कहता है ये ..
अब पिटने की बारी सरपँच की थी ..
अब सरपँच को क्योँ मारा ?
पठान ने बताया – ओये “जन्नत” हमारी बेगम का नाम है !

यू पी सरकार से लैपटॉप पा कर एक u.p. का लड़का गूगल पर टाइप करता है
” Haw two empres a Garl if Week en inglish ”
गूगल का जवाब –
“सुधर जाओ, खेती बाड़ी कर लेओ, जेमें फायदा है, लड़की पटावे में कच्छु नई धरो, जायदाद बिक जईहे जे चक्करो में और जूता पडिहै सो अलग…”

एक बच्चा अपने पापा की शादी की CD
देख रहा टीवी पर….
.
.
बच्चा- हम भी अपनी शादी मे आइटम गर्ल
नचवायेगे ….!
.
.
.
.
.
.
पिता- हरामखोर… ये तेरी बुआ और
मौसी है।

संता अपने दोस्त बंता से कहता है:-
बंता कालेज से मेरा रिजल्ट देख आना और आकर बताना। घर पर मेरे मम्मी पापा मेरे साथ होंगे।
यदि मैं एक विषय में फेल हुआ तो कहना..
जय श्री राम…
और दो में फेल हुआ तो कहना..
जय श्री कृष्ण जय श्री कृष्ण
और तीन में फेल हुआ तो कहना..
ब्रह्मा विषनू महेश की जय..
बंता कालेज से रिजल्ट
देख कर आया और बोला:
“बोल सांचे दरबार की जय”

एक आदमी नदी मे डूब रहा था। वो जोर जोर से चिल्लाया –
“गणेश जी बचाओ”
.
.
“गणेश जी बचाओ”
.
गणेश जी आए ओर नदी किनारे नाच ने लगे।
आदमी :”प्रभु आप नाच क्यों रहे हो? मुझे बचाओ…”
गणेश जी मुस्कुराते हुए बोले –
“तू भी तो मेरे विसर्जन मे बहुत नाच रहा था…!
〰〰अता माझी सटकली〰〰

हरियाणे की लुगाइयों न अंग्रेज्जी सिखाण खात्तर टीचर आईं।
इब A फॉर एप्पल B फॉर बॉय तो समझाना आसान नहीं था इसलिए नया तरीका निकाला गया।
A फॉर अमर की बहू,
B फॉर बबलू की बहू,
C फॉर चंदर की बहू।
अच्छी तरै रटवाया, अर फेर टेस्ट लिया।
ताई कन्फ्यूज़ हो गयी।
W देख के कहणं लागी, दिक्खे तो यो मदन की बहू सै, पर टांगां न उप्पर क्यूँ करके पड़ी सै।

गुंडा – चल “हफ्ता” निकाल
एडमिन -“कैलेंडर फाड़ते हुए”
ले भाई
पूरा “महीना” ही रख ले
हमारे एडमिन साहब की तो
बात ही कुछ और है !!!

इस संसार में कुछ ऐसी चीजें
भी है जिन्हें
हम बचपन से लेकर आज तक किताबों के
अलावा सच में नहीं देख पाए है ।.
.
जैसे “ठ” से ठठेरा
साला…
आज तक समझ नहीं आया कि ये था क्या???

एक टी.वी. पत्रकार एक किसान का इंटरव्यू ले रहा था…
पत्रकार : आप बकरे को क्या खिलाते हैं…??
किसान : काले को या सफ़ेद को…??
पत्रकार : सफ़ेद को..
किसान : घाँस..
पत्रकार : और काले को…??
किसान : उसे भी घाँस..
पत्रकार : आप इन बकरों को बांधते कहाँ हो…??
किसान : काले को या सफ़ेद को…??
पत्रकार : सफ़ेद को..
किसान : बाहर के कमरे में..
पत्रकार : और काले को…??
किसान : उसे भी बाहर के कमरे में…
पत्रकार : और इन्हें नहलाते कैसे हो…??
किसान : किसे काले को या सफ़ेद को…??
पत्रकार : काले को..
किसान : जी पानी से..
पत्रकार : और सफ़ेद को…??
किसान : जी उसे भी पानी से..
पत्रकार का गुस्सा सातवें आसमान पर, बोला : कमीने ! जब दोनों के साथ सब कुछ एक जैसा करता है, तो मुझे बार-बार क्यों पूछता है.. काला या सफ़ेद…????
किसान : क्योंकि काला बकरा मेरा है…
पत्रकार : और सफ़ेद बकरा…??
किसान : वो भी मेरा है…
पत्रकार बेहोश…
होश आने पे किसान बोला अब पता चला कमीने जब तुम एक ही news को सारा दिन घुमा फिरा के दिखाते हो हम भी ऐसे ही दुखी होते है।

Funny Christmas Jokes

Sean: Knock, knock.
Fawn: Who’s there?
Sean: Murray.
Fawn: Murray who?
Sean: Murray Christmas, one and all!

Will: Where do snowmen keep their money?
Bill: Beats me.
Will: In a snow bank.

Will: What’s a good time for Santa to come down the chimney?
Bill: What?
Will: Anytime!

Zoey: What do you get if you cross an iPad with a Christmas tree?
Johnny: I don’t know. What?
Zoey: A pineapple!

Chris: What do snowmen like to do on the weekend?
Chrissy: What?
Chris: Chill out........Punjabi Status

Moe: What are you going to give your little brother for Christmas this year?
Joe: I haven’t decided yet.
Moe: What did you give him last year?
Joe: The measles.

Josh: What does Jack Frost like best about school?
John: What?
Josh: Snow and tell.

Tim: Did you know Santa had only eight reindeer last Christmas?
Jim: Huh?
Tim: Comet stayed home to clean the sink.

Santa: Knock, knock.
Elf: Who’s there?
Santa: Olive.
Elf: Olive, who?
Santa: Olive the other reindeer.

Pedro: What has a jolly laugh, brings you presents and scratches up your furniture?
Ordep: Beats me. What?
Pedro: Santa Claws.

Luke: What do elves do after school?
Jeffrey: I don’t know. What?
Luke: Their gnome work

Moe: What are you going to give your little brother for Christmas this year?
Joe: I haven’t decided yet.
Moe: What did you give him last year?
Joe: The measles.

Josh: Knock, knock!
Samantha: Who’s there?
Josh: Dexter.
Samantha: Dexter, who?
Josh: Dexter halls with boughs of holly.

Darth Vader: I know what you’re getting for Christmas.
Luke: How do you know?
Darth Vader: I can feel your presents.

Josh: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
Mark: Dunno. Why?
Josh: Because he had low elf esteem!

William: What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
David: What?
William: Do you smell carrots?

Colton: How does a sheep say “Merry Christmas”?
Tammi: How?
Colton: “Fleece Navidad!”

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!.

Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!

Name the child's favorite Christma king?
Answer: A stocking.

You should be careful at Christmas - why?
Answer: There are mince spies about!

Name the special part of your body during Christmas?
Answer: mistletoe.

The month of December has something which no other month has- what id that?
Answer: The letter D.

What's brown and sneaks round the kitchen?
Answer: Mince spies.

Why is it cold in Christmas?
Answer: Because it is December.

What’s a good Christmas tip?
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

A snowman loses weight in what way?
Answer: He waits for the weather to get warmer!

Short Dirty Jokes

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!" 

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup." 

Your best friend has three girlfriends. Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me. All 3 wants to do something special so they set up some dates. Three days ago Doe kisses him. Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex. Yesterday, who sucks his dick? 

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?
It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

An 80yr old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence. For 40 mins they shagged like Bast*rds. Arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor. Christ she said “you didnt F*ck Me like that 50yrs ago! To which the old man replied “50 yrs ago that fence Wasnt F*cking electric!

chinese man rings boss “me no work I sick” boss says “when im sick I f*ck my wife try that” 2 hours later chinese man rings back “me better, you got nice house

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full. 

girl - baby im wet.
Boy - want a paper towel?
Girl - no, i want more then that ;)
Boy - want 2 paper towels?
Girl - no, baby i want sumthing big and round ;)
Boy - damn you want the whole roll?

A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill." 

Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill." 

Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, "Where have you been? Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill." and the girl says, "No, I am blueberry hill." 

Teacher: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of glucose.
Student: So you're saying that sperm has sugar in it?
Teacher: Technically. Yes.
Student: But it doesn't even taste like that...
Teacher: what?
Student: what?.........Guru purv wishes

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

Teacher and her 3 boy students:
Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one week.”
Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 2: “I saw your bra straps.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one month.”
Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class…
Teacher: “Why are you leaving?”
Boy 3: “I think my school days are over.”

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. The cashier asks, “Do you want a bag?”
The guy says, “No. She’s not that ugly.”

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for w itnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?""Yeah, my first blowjob.""Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.""No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

Happy Birth Day Jokes

Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.
--Edward Morykwas

Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.
I told my computer that today is my birthday,
and it said I needed an upgrade.

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ she said . ‘Just give me something with diamonds.’
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
“Look at ME!!” boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm stomach, having just finished 100 situps before a group of young people.
“Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t stay up late, and I don’t chase after loose women!!”
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, “And tomorrow — tomorrow, I’m going to celebrate my -90th- birthday!!”
“Oh, really?” drawled one of the young onlookers, “How?”

For his birthday I gave my son an iPhone.
My daughter received an iPod for her’s, and for my birthday I was pleased to receive an iPad.
Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon, and that’s when the fight started…

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.” Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything.
She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?” He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”

Many thanks for picking this database of amusingHappy birth day jokes! Definitely, you can purchase the hearts of some individuals by sending them emotional, relocating and poetic birthday celebration desires. Nonetheless, these are except everyone. I, personally, similar to many other people, constantly favor a great joke. And no, I do not believe that changing a birthday desire with a few amusing lines is rude or maybe disparaging. Rather to the contrary, I believe it states equally as much: it shows that that you care about the person whose birthday celebration it is, it reveals that you intend to see him chuckling and also ultimately, it shows you recognize much better than to create him nostalgic poems.

Sam’s girlfriend’s birthday was the same day as his father’s.
He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume and his father a pistol.
He wrapped the perfume and wrote a note to his girlfriend, saying, ‘Use this all over yourself and think of me.’
Unfortunately he put the note on his father’s present.

Little Johnny: Mom, do you know what I’m going to give you for your birthday?
Mom: No, dear, what?
Little Johnny: A nice teapot.
Mom: But I’ve got a nice teapot.
Little Johnny: No you haven’t. I’ve just dropped it.

A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings.
They dialed the number and then sang “Happy Birthday” to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
“Don’t let it bother you,” said the stranger on the phone, “you folks need all the practice you can get.”

Santa: Paros Mein Kya Chal Raha Hai? Banta: Birthday Hai.. Santa: Kis Ka?” Banta: Tuyu ka... Santa Ne Puchha, Ye Tuyu Kon Hai?” Banta Hai Sunai To Kuch Aisa Hi De Raha Hai… Happy Birthday Tuyu....

Messages From The Heart For Our Loved Ones. Say “Happy Birthday” And Share Smiles And Joy. Here Are Some Special Messages For Some Special Days Dedicate These Messages To Those Which Are Celebrating Their Birthday.

You Were Only Crying When You Were Born While Everybody Was Laughing At You There As You Live To Blow A Thousand Candles, Live ur Life Humbly So That You Would Be The One Laughing When U Die And Everybody Else Would Be Crying. Happy Birthday...

Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.
Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you?
Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.

Happy birthday. Don't be sad you're a year older. Keep your chin up…if you can! Well, you know what I mean

 Today is a day of celebration. Why? xx years ago on the same day, GOD sent me my flesh and bone conscience. Wishing my Friendly Inner Voice a very happy b-day. Hugs & Kisses'

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Short Dirty Jokes

Christmas jokes 

Look into this outstanding pick up of 100 funny birthday celebration desires as well as messages. Put a smile on your pals' faces on the most important day of the year!
If you are seeking Happy Birth day Jokes after that your search finishes here. You will find all the Birthday Jokes associated messages right here. Simply review the full pick up of Birthday celebration Jokes. Get more Jokes visit Bittushrma.com

Happy Birthday to you,
Squashed tomatoes and stew,
Bread and butter in the gutter,
Happy Birthday to you.

Happy Birthday to you,
From Winnie The Pooh,
And Eeyore and Piglet,
And Kanga and Roo.

Happy Birthday to you,
You're like a gnu,
Your ass is all hairy,
And covered with poo.

Happy Birthday to you,
You live in a zoo,
You look like a monkey,
And you smell like one too.......Cool Status

Happy Birthday to you,
I haven't a clue,
Why you look like you're fifty,
When you're just thirty-two.

Happy Birthday to you,
While having a chew,
I bit on my tongue,
Now the air's turning blue.

Happy Birthday to you,
From Simon and Sue,
You're older than we are,
And you look like it too.

When you wish to send birthday wishes think about your buddy's individuality. People have various type of humor. If you recognize your buddy well and also his or her sense of humor, then what's a little bit too much must be very easy to spot. If you aren't fairly certain, then discovering a card which will make them smile is still feasible with the appropriate message and birthday wishes. Sending this together with a few touches of your personal makes a card or birthday celebration email a lot more personal, enjoyable as well as unforgettable. Close friends likewise grin if the humor is routed towards on your own. As an example you should joke "My back goes out more typically than I do." An additional could take a dig at your pocketbook with "You would have liked the present I couldn't manage to buy you.".
Currently we take care all your demands. We do the research study online for you as well as we likewise have a group writing sms messages. we keep upgrading our website on a regular basis for Happy Birth day Jokes. We make certain that you will advise this website to your close friends if you like our database of Birthday celebration Jokes. 

Top 20 Teacher Jokes

Teacher: ‘Craig, you know you can't sleep in my class.'
Craig: 'I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.'

There is one person in our district who is all about “No Child Left Behind”
Who’s that?
The bus driver

*Teacher: You copied from Fred's exam paper didn't you ?
Pupil: How did you know ?
Teacher: Fred's paper says "I don't know" and you have put "Me, neither"!

*The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said ..."I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking.

Master: How Old is ur father?
Pappu: As old as I am.
Master: How is it possible?
Pappu: He became father only after I was born.

Ek School pe ek ladka bahut der se ghar ke bahar khada school ki ghanti bajane ki kosish kar raha tha.Toh ek Pion aaya aur kaha:
Pion: Kya kar rahe ho beta?
Ladka: Uncle, yeh ghanti bajana chahta hu.
Pion (ghanti bajake): Yeh lo bajgaya, or school ki sob students chuti ho gaya samajh kar bahar a gaya tab pion ne kaha,ab kya hai?
Ladka: Ab bhago!

Teacher ne bachon se kaha
“jab ham student they to bohat laiq they”
Aik bachay ne masoomiat se kaha
“Ap ko ustaad qabil mil gaey hon gey”

Guruji - Beta Bhains ko doodh piya kar, bado aadmi ban jayego
Student- Guruji agar, bhains ko doodh pine se hi jo koi bado aadmi ban jaave tau paado aaj collector hoto

Bubbli class mei gadha le aye
Miss Misba: isay Q lyee ho?
Bubbli: Miss ap he tu kehti hein
k
mei bre bre gadho ko insan bna deti hu

Teacher: Bacho batao k billi 1 sath itnay
saray bachay kaisay paida karti hay?
Kid: Miss agar aap road pay billi ki
tarah ghoomo to aap ko pata chal jayega…

Teacher to Ramu: Ramu Kal School kyo nahi aaye
Ramu to Teacher: Sir Kal Gir gaya tha or lag gayi thi
Teacher asked: Kanah gir gaye the or kaha lag gayi
Ramu said: Khat Pe gira or Annkh Lag gayi

Class ki har ladki ek phool hai, Usse chahna ek bhool hai. Jo inki soch mein gul hai, Samjho uski Compartment ke chances full hai..

Teacher:sabse jyada nasha kis chiz me hota he? Student:padhai me Teacher: wo kaise? Student:Teacher, kitaben khole hi neend aa jati he..  

Teacher: “Ess line ki english banao- Usne apna kaam kiya or karta hi gaya.” Student: He done his work and done-dana-dan done-dana-dan.

Teacher: Main Ne Subha Ko Khoobsurat Larki Dekhi Iss Ka Future Tense Batao? Student: Mai Kal Tak Wo Larki Phassa Loonga

Giggling is several of the very best medication to aid us get through those challenging days. We have a number of tidy jokes for students that assist both you as well as them chuckle.

Despite the fact that the number of muscle mass to grin and frown are still under examination, we can all concur that we prefer to laugh. Our Teacher jokes that you could inform in course are damaged down into the complying 

Teacher:
She Is Kidding…
Translated In Hindi…
Punjabi:
Woh Bachey Dey Rahi Hai...Nice Status

Teacher in Class: Dehli min “Kutub Meenar” hai. A student was sleeping teacher wakes him and asks,What did I just say? Student: Dehli main Kutta Beemar hai.

Girl: Baby I am wet.
Boy: Want a paper towel?
Girl: No, I want more than that
Boy: Want 2 paper towels?
Girl: No, baby I want sumthing big and round
Boy: Damn you want the whole roll?

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!" 

Me: "May I go to the restroom."
Teacher: "What for?"
Me: "To Open The Chamber Of Secrets, What the hell do you think?

On the first day of school, Peter handed his new teacher a note from his mother. The teacher unsealed the note, read it, looked at Peter with a frown, and placed the note inside a desk drawer. “So what did she write?” Peter asked. “It’s a disclaimer.”
“A what?” “It says, ‘ The opinions expressed by Peter are not necessarily those of his mother or father,

The teacher asked little Peter; "If I have 5 mangoes in one hand and five mangoes in the other, what do I have?”
" Big Hands, " said Peter.

It was the firs day of school, and the first grade teacher decided to see how much her students knew about math.
“Steven, can you tell me what is 3 and 2?” Steven said, “That’s when you should watch very, very carefully before you swing at the next pitch.

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Happy B'day Jokes

Funny Quotes 

The law professor was lecturing on courtroom procedure. “When you are fighting a case and have the facts on your side, hammer away at the facts. If you have the law on your side, hammer away with the law.” “But what if you have neither the facts nor the law on your side?” “In that case,” said the professor, “hammer away on the table.”

Yes, Theo, what is it? Asked the teacher.
I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I didn’t get better marks, someone was going to get a licking.

The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”
“Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?”
“Get a boy friend.” Paul replied. 

Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?
Peter: Because they had so many knights.

The Teacher says, “I wish you’d pay a little attention Mary.”
“I am paying as little as I can Mrs. Bell,” said Mary. 

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.”
Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?

Student: I would love for you to teach me a foreign language.
Teacher: Certainly. French, German, Russian, Italian, Spanish?
Student: Oh, which is the most foreign?

TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie.... . Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

There are a few Teacher jokes in our JOKES area mingled with the others from
a few years ago for those who want to go over there.

Friendship Jokes

Herolal is driving down the Delhi-Amritsar highway, when he spots Bhola standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Bhola is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
Herolal gets out of the car, walks all the way out to Bhola and asks him, "Excuse me, what are you doing?"
Bhola replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks Herolal, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Noble Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Friends and Medicines Play the Same Role In Our Lives,
Both Take Care of Us in our Pains.
The Only Difference is that,
Good Friend do not have
An Expiry Date...

A 5 years old boy ask his frnd, What is frndship..?
He replied, friendship is when u rob my chocolates
every day from my bag.....
&
I still keep them in da same place.

All small small fights creates big affection on friends.
Always laughing does not create a true friendship.
Sometimes fight, crying,
scolding, all mischief activities have
a better friendship . . .
So dont laugh from your lip . . .
SMILE FROM YOUR HEART . .........Jokes In Hindi

Jab Ek Ladka Kisi Ladki Ko Offer Marta Hai
Agar Ladki Haan Kahe Toh Vo Sochta Hai…
“Pata Ni Saali Ne Kinneya Nu Haan Kahi Honi Hai”
Aur Agar Ladki Na Kahe Tab…
“Behan Di Lodi Apne Aap Nu Katraina Kaif Samjhdi Hai“

Ek Bar Ek Ladki Ko Chot Lag Gayi To Usko Khoon Ki Jarurat Thhi.
To Uske Boy Friend Ne Usko Blood Donate Kar Diye.
Kuch Din Baad Un Dono Mein Ladayi Ho Gayi To Ladke Ne Kaha Ki Mujhe Mera Khoon Vaapis Kar
To Ladki Ne Apna Ek Used Whisper Uske Muh Par Dekar Maara Aur Kaha  “Monthly Installemnts Mein Milega“

Ladka Ladki Se Bola: “Main Tumse Pyaar Karta Hoon”
Ladki: “Ha-Ha”
Ladka: “Main Tumhare Liye Mar Jaunga”
Ladki: “Ha Ha Ha”
Ladka: “Main Tumhari Activa Ki Tanki Har Hafte Petrol Se Full Karva Diya Karunga.
Ladki: “Waah, Sach Kasam Se??”
Ladka: “Hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha Chal Gand Marwa

Ladka Apni Premika Ko Lekar Ek Hotel Mein Gaya
Khana Peena Khane Ke Baad Jab Sone Ki Baari Aayi To Ladke Ne Ladki Ko Kaha
Ladka: “Hello Darling, Nind Nahi Aa Rahi Hai Sex Ho Jaye?”
Ladki Gusse Se: “Abe Bhonsdi Ke Meri Choot Mein Kon Sa Teri Maan Loriyan Gaa Rahi Hai, Jo Tujhe Nind Aa Jayegi, Muthh Maar Aur So Ja”
Ladki Ne Shayad Sprite Pee Thi, Isliye Sidhi Baat No Bakwas

Nobody can make you laugh rather the means your friends can, and there's nothing like sharing a few amusing relationship quotes with those closest to you to create your day radiate a piece brighter.
Below are 18 of my favored amusing relationship estimates to show to those you enjoy. I wish you delight in these funny Friendship Jokes estimate as long as I such as sharing them with you!

Ladka Apni Girlfriend Ke Saath Park Mein Betha Tha.
Asman Ki Taraf Dekhkar Apni Girlfriend Ko Bola
Ladka: “Janu Aaj Mausam Kitna Bhadiya Hai Na, Tumhe Koi Feelings Nahi Ho Rahi Hai?”
Ladki: “Haan Ho Rahi Hai”
Ladka: “Kya?”
Ladki: “Yahi Ki Main Aaj Phir Chudne Wali Hun“

Ek Ladke Ne Apni Girl-Friend Ko SMS Kiya
Boy: “Kal Date Pe Tum Mujhe Kiss Karne Do Gi?”
Girl: “Nahi Kisi Ne Dekh Liya To?”
Boy: “Koi Nahi Dekhe Ga, Bharosa Rakho Mujh Par”
Girl: “Ok Jaanu De Doon Gi”
Boy: “Boobs Choosne Dogi?”
Girl: “Ok Yaar Wo Bhi Choos Lena”
20 Minutes Ke Baad Ladke Ka Fir Se Message Aaya
Boy: “Nahi Yaar, Yeh Sab Ghalat Hai, Main Tumhein Touch Bhi Nahi Karna Chahta, Hamara Pyaar Pavitar Hai”
Girl: “Bhonsdi Ke Mujhe Pata Hai Tu Ne Ab Muth Maar Li Hai Kuttay

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Happy New Year Status

Teacher Jokes

Arz Kiya Hai Dosto
Agar Aasmaan Tak Aapke Haath Jaate
Agar Aasmaan Tak Aapke Haath Jaate
To Chand, Sitaare, Sooraj To Kya
Pariyon Ki Gaand Mein Bhi Unglli De Aate

Boyfrend Wanted Sex With His Girlfrend.
But He Was Shy Of His Small Penis. One Day He Took Her To A Dark Room & Gave His Penis In Her Hand.
Girl: “Sorry I Dont Smoke“

Kafi Time Tak Affair Chalne Ke Baad Ek Din Ladke Ne Ladki Ko Kaha.
Ladka: “Hum Dono Kafi Time Se Sath Hai Aur Agar Bhagwan Ne Chahaa To Aur Hum Mile To Shadi Kar Lenge, Aur Kuch Galat Ho Gaya To Alag Ho Jayenge”
Ladki Kuch Soch Kar Boli: “Par, Galti Kis Ke Paas Rahegi?“

Ek Bar College Trip Mein Se Ek Ladka Aur Ek Ladki Jungle Mein Gum Jaate Hai
Do Din Tak Vo Jungle Mein Bookhe Pyaase Bhatkate Rahte Hai
Achanak Ladki Boli: “Plz Fu.Ck Me”
Ladka Hairani Se: “Why?”
Girl Replied: “Abay Kuch To Andar Jayega“

Ladka-Ladki Hotel Ke Room Mein Jate Hai.
Jate Hi Ladka Apni Pant Utarata Hai Aur Ladki Dekhte Hi Bolti Hai
Ladki: “Yeh Kya? Condom Kahan Hai?”
Ladka: “Surprise…. Aaj Bina Condom Ke Hi Karenge”
Ladki: “Bahan Chod Agar Main 9 Mahine Baad Surprise Doon To Fir Lund Jaisa Muh Mat Bana Liyo“

Pehli Bar Sex Karne Ke Baad Ladki Dar Se Kabhi Apni Chut Ko Aur Kabhi Ladke Ko Lund Ko Dekh Kar Rone Lagi.
Ladka Bada Hairan Hua Aur Usne Puchha: “Kya Hua?”
Ladki: “Jab Andar Gaya To 6 Inch Ka Tha Bahar Aaya To Teen 3 Inch Ka Ho Gaya, Baki Kahan Hai?“

Santa Ke College Time Mein Uski Ek Premika Santa Ko Bade Pyar Se Boli.
Premika: “Darling, Shaadi Ke Baad Tum Mujhe Subha Se Lekar Shaam Tak, Shaam Se Lekar Subha Tak Pyaar Karna”
Santa Hairani Se: “Abe Sali, To Fir Main Tatti Kab Karunga?“

Apni Naraz Girl-Friend Ko Manane Ke Baad Ladka Pyar Se Bola.
Ladka: “Jaan, Kaho To Tumhare Liye Chand Tare Tod Laaun”
Ladki Halka Sa Muskurayi Aur Boli: “Bhonsdi Ke, Phir Se Bakchodi Chalu“

Once A Girl Asked A Boy,
Why We Have Units To Measure Weight, Height, Length, Money,Etc.
But Nothing To Measure Love, Trust, Friendship.
Why?
The Boy Thought For A While,
Took Her In His Arms,
Looking In Her Deep Eyes And Said
Dekh Lavdi Already Mujhe 3 Subject Mein K.T. Hai,
Ghar Pe Gaand Lagi Padi Hai
Ab Tu Aur Dimag Ka Bhosda Mat Kar.
Aur Itna Hai Maapne Ka Man Kar Raha Hai To Lavda Maap Mera.

Girl-Friend Ne Apne Janam Din Pe Boy-Friend Se Puchha
Girl-Friend: “Aaj Mera Birthday Hai, Mujhe Kya Gift Doge?”
Boy-Friend: “Wo Samne Black Color Ki Car Dekh Rahi Ho?”
Girl-Friend Khushi Se Boli: “Haan- Haan”
Boy-Friend Muskurate Hue: “Us Color Ka ……… Lund Dunga“

As you all understand delighted friendship day 2015 is really nearer which is much like festival amongst all the buddies who intend to commemorate it with pals. You will certainly enjoy to understand that we will certainly likewise commemorate our friendship day with Friendship jokes as well as Shayari in Hindi. Several individuals want to send out jokes and also shayari but now the occasion of party so they need an increasing number of jokes as well as shayari to send them. You can also send some jokes and also Sharayi in Hindi on friendship day 2015. It will certainly give you more fulfillment when you send some jokes and also shayari in hindi to your pal when they will smile on those.
Being a buddy is not just discussing a Friendship jokes,.
a discussion, a mug of coffee or an amusing story.
It implies discussing a truthful and real part of on your own. 

Clean Jokes For Kids

Knock knock
Who’s there
Boo
Boo who?
I didn’t mean to make you cry! It’s just me!

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Will
Will who?
Will you let me in? It’s freezing out here!

Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Barbie
Barbie Who?
Barbie Q Chicken!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Figs
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it’s broken!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Kiwi
Kiwi who?
Kiwi go to the store?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Let us in, we’re freezing!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive right next door to you.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Turnip
Turnip who?
Turnip the volume, it’s quiet in here.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ice cream
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don’t let me in !

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?

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Friendship Jokes

Punjabi Status 

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad to see me?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Who
Who who?
Is there an owl in here?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Cow-go
Cow-go who?
No, Cow go MOO!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Police
Police who?
Police (please) may I come in?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Water
Water who?
Water you doing in my house?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Goat
Goat who?
Goat to the door and find out.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Beef
Beef who?
Before I get cold, you’d better let me in!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Leaf
Leaf Who?
Leaf Me Alone!

Since your huge youngster's sense of humor has actually advanced, she appreciates riddles as well as more intricate humor. Below are 20 terrific Clean jokes for kids to make your youngster laugh.

Trying to find funny jokes? Clear up in: You remain in the ideal area. From tidy knock-knock jokes and also the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and also creative teasers, we have actually got the jokes guaranteed to induce serious laughs.

Although these jokes are often amusing for individuals of all ages, youngsters and also grownups alike, they are typically tailored towards kids and also young adults. By this, we mean that they have a lack and also simpleness concerning them that enable a specific at basically any age to obtain an excellent laugh.

 Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Tank
Tank who?
You’re welcome!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Wooden shoe
Wooden shoe who?
Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Howard
Howard who?
Howard I know?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Nobel
Nobel who?
No bell, that’s why I knocked!

Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Anita
Anita who?
Anita to borrow a pencil!

Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Figs
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it’s broken!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Yukon
Yukon who?
Yukon say that again!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Amarillo
Amarillo who?
Amarillo nice guy!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Tyrone
Tyrone who?
Tyrone shoelaces!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Abe
Abe who?
Abe C D E F G H…

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ada
Ada who?
Ada burger for lunch!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Amy
Amy who?
Amy fraid I’ve forgotten!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Cash
Cash who?
No thanks, but I’d like some peanuts

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Alpaca
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the trunk, you pack the suitcase!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Alma
Alma who?
Alma not going to tell you!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ken
Ken who?
Ken I come in, it’s freezing out here?

Children enjoy to share jokes. Our purpose is to discover better kids jokes to create kids laugh. Look into each joke category to discover the sort of joke, pun, one liner you want. The jokes for children we find are clean and also absolutely funny. Kindly enjoy the huge compilation of kids jokes, puns as well as one liner jokes with your household right here.
Greater than 2,000 funny jokes and also tidy jokes sent by youngsters. All jokes are tidy, funny and also suitable Clean Jokes for kids. Check out the Joke of the Day and also the 25 most-popular jokes.
Clean amusing jokes make a conference a lot more acceptable and also time together more amusing. Boys love actually amusing tidy jokes whether they are ridiculous, gross, or dumb. Use these web pages to find excellent clean jokes for kids of precursors or children. Look for particular kid jokes if there is one that you are trying to find.

Humorous Jokes

भारत एक ऐसा देश है जहां पेट्रोल दिनों में मापा जाता है कि.मी. में नहीं, अरे परसों ही तो भरवाया था, 2 दिन में कैसे खत्म हो गया..

संता- समंदर में दही डाल रहा था। बंता- क्या कर रहे हो? संता- लस्सी बना रहा हूं। बंता- तेरी इन्ही हरकतों से लोग हम पर हंसते हैं। इतनी लस्सी तेरा बाप पिएगा।

संता बंता में लड़ाई हो गयी, संता- साले तू मेरी शादी में क्यों नहीं आया, मैंने मैसेज भी किया था, बंता- अरे लेकिन मुझे तो मैसेज मिला ही नहीं था, संता- तो क्या हुआ, मैंने मैसेज में पहले ही लिख दिया था कि, मैसेज मिले या ना मिले आना जरूर।

संता (बंता से)- पता है, अमेरिका में लाइट जाती है तो पावर ऑफिस में फोन करते हैं और जापान में लाइट जाती है तो फ्यूज चेक करते हैं। बंता ने तुरंत जवाब दिया- और जब इंडिया में लाइट जाती है तो पड़ोसी के घर में झांक कर देखते हैं, सबकी तो गई है ना- और राहत की सांस लेते हैं।

जितना प्यार मेरी गर्लफ्रेंड नहीं जता पाती उतना तो ये ट्रक वाले 'फिर मिलेंगे'लिखकर जता दिया करते हैं।Bittusharma.com

संता सड़क पर जा रहा था। रास्ते में केले के छिलके पड़े थे। संता देख नहीं पाया और फिसल गया। ऐसा कई बार हुआ। थोड़ा आगे चलने पर एक और छिलका पड़ा हुआ था। इस बार संता ने पहले ही देख लिया और बोला.....ओफ्फो... अब फिर से गिरना पड़ेगा।

संता बंता से बोला गर्लफ्रेंड पूछ रही थी कल मुझसे, क्या तुम मुझे याद करते हो? मुस्कुराकर हमने जवाब दिया, 'पागल अगर याद करना इतना आसान होता तो सब याद कर कॉलेज में टॉप कर लेता न।

संता की नई चेक बुक खो गई, तो वह दूसरी चेक बुक लेने बैंक गया। बैंक अधिकारी- सर, हमने आपसे कहा था न कि उसे संभाल कर रखिएगा। अब कोई आपके नकली सिग्नेचर कर आपको ठग सकता है। संता- मैं बेवकूफ नहीं हूं! मैंने पहले ही अपने सारे चेक साइन कर दिए थे, ताकि कोई मेरे सिग्नेचर की नकल कर मुझे बेवकूफ न बना सके।

संता को मुगलों ने पकड़ लिया और उसे अकबर के पास ले गए.. अकबर- इसको बंदी बना दिया जाए... संता- नहीं नहीं जहांपनाह ! रहम !!! मुझे बंदा ही रहने दो..

संता- मैंने सुना है? तुम्हारी शादी तय हो गई है वह भी काफी छोटे कद की लड़की से और तुमने उसे पसंद भी कर लिया है?'बंता- हां यार... जीवन में मुसीबत जितनी छोटी हो उतना ही अच्छा है।

हम भी बचपन मे श्री कृष्ण के समान खूबसूरत बच्चे थे। वो तो जिन्दगी की भाग दौड़ ने भैरोबाबा बना दिया।

संता - यार, तुम इस मोटे लैंस के चश्मे में बिल्कुल उल्लू नजर आते हो। बंता - हां, लेकिन अगर मैं यह चश्मा उतार दूं, तो मुझे तुम बिल्कुल गधा नजर आओगे।

तेरी खामोशी और उदासी को हम समझ ना सके ऐ दोस्त 'वो तो भाभी ने बताया कि आज तेरी बेलन से कुटाई हुई है।

प्रीतो (संता से)- बाइक तेज ना चलाओ मुझे डर लग रहा है। संता- अगर तुझे भी डर लग रहा है तो मेरी तरह आंखें बंद कर लें।

शिक्षक (संता से) - तुम्हारा जन्म कहां हुआ था? संता - तिरुअनंतपुरम मे। शिक्षक - तो इसकी स्पेलिंग बताओ? संता - बहुत सोचने के बाद, मेरे ख्याल से मेरा जन्म गोवा में हुआ था।

संता- जानते हो भाई बीवी अगर मायके गई हो तो आदमी तब तक बर्तन नहीं धोता बंता- कब तक? संता- जब तक की चाय कढ़ाई में बनाने की नौबत न आ जाए।

संता- सिस्टर मुझे एक बोतल खून दे दो सिस्टर- ब्लड ग्रुप बताओ? संता- कोई भी चलेगा। सिस्टर- कैसे? संता- गर्लफ्रेंड को लव लैटर लिखना है।

संतो- आज तक कोई मेरी सही उम्र बता ही नहीं पाया, कोई 18 कहता है तो कोई 22। बंतो- अगर गलती से तूने किसी को बता दिया तो? संतो- मैं इतनी बेवकूफ लगती हूं क्या? जिस राज को मैं चालीस सालों से छुपा रही हूं, उसे इतनी आसानी से बता दूंगी।

Best Winter Jokes For kids

Q: What did the ocean say to the bergy bits?
A: Nothing. It just waved. (That's an old joke from the Ice Age.)

Q: What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A: A nervous wreck.

Q: Where can you find an ocean without any water?
A: On a map!

Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?
A: Owlgebra.

Q: How do you know if there's a snowman in your bed?
A: You wake up wet!

Q: How do you tell the difference between a walrus and an orange?
A: Put your arms around it and squeeze it. If you don't get orange juice, it's a walrus.

Ice skating is the renowned of all as well as is delighted in by a lot of people annually. If you are an introvert individual and fail to want to go out a lot, does it mean that cold weather is boring for such individuals! Well, it is not such as that. A cup of coffee with a good friend and also sitting near the fire place you can enjoy the calmness and also relaxed atmosphere in one of the most different means. You can likewise appreciate Best winter jokes about cold weather with your close friends to make your time funny. Review our collection of funny Winter jokes

Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a banana?
A: You'd better find out, because if you ever try to peel a walrus...

Q: What do chefs call "Baked Alaska" in Alaska?
A: "Baked Here"

Q: What eight letters can you find in water from the Arctic Ocean?
A: H to O! (H20)

Q: Which side of an Arctic Tern has the most feathers?
A: The outside!

Q: What happened when all the muskox wool that was collected was stolen?
A: The police combed the area.

Monday One Liner Jokes

How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday morning?  Tell her a joke on Friday night.

What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college? "Would you like fries with that?"

A woman yells to a blonde walking along a river, "How do I get on the other side!?" The blonde says, "You are on the other side!"

A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.

So a man jumps into a taxi and says King Arthur's close and the taxi driver says, don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids!

A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I write for Reader's Digest. It's not hard. All you do is copy out an article and mail it in again.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders' sit-in.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance...she leaned over and pushed me.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.

The Grand Old Duke of York He had ten thousand men. His case comes up next week.

The fastest way to meet new people is to pick up somebody else's change at a cocktail bar.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.Last christmas my sister, Geri, gave me a lovely Cloth calendar. It only took me 5 hours to sew in a Doctor's appointment...

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

I call our bathroom 'The Vault' because the door's always locked and whatever goes on in there costs a $hitload of money.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said My dog's died.'

When life gives you lemons, go find a kid with a paper cut and make his life miserable.

If each day is a gift, I would like to know where I can return Mondays.

If you can't take control, let Jesus take the wheel and hope he's not drunk.

Who ever invented the Knock- Knock jokes should get a No-bell prize!

Short Quick Jokes

There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley, one was assaulted.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

A bowlegged doe comes walking out of the woods. Says “that’s the last time I do that for ten bucks”

What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind as he hits the windshield? His butt.

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

Knock knock- who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub I’m dwounding!

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef stroganoff.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Interrupting Cow. Interrupting Cow wh- MOOOOOOO!

Why did the orange stop? Because, it ran outta juice.

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?….. To get to the other side!

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elephino!

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? FOR DRIZZLE!

What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boobies.

What did one snowman say to the other? Nice balls.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun… A roamin’ Catholic.

Have you heard about the duck that was arrested for stealing? He was selling “quack”.

What do you have when you have two little green balls in the palm of your hand?? Answer: Kermit’s undivided attention!

Best Sunday Jokes

Modern Heer – Mein tumhare ishq me barbaad ho gai,
lut gayi, meri duniya rushwa ho gayi…
Modern Ranjha – To karmjali, mein kaun sa bank
managar ban gaya

The Sunday School teacher said to her children, “We have been learning about how powerful the kings and queens were in Biblical times. But there is a higher power. Who can tell me what it is?”
Tommy blurted out, “I know, Aces.”