Funny Women Jokes 

Q: What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing?
A: A knife has a point

Q: How do you blind a woman?
A: You put a windshield in front of her

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side

Q: What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches?
A: Single

Q: What do you call a letter from a feminist?
A: Hate male

Q: What type of food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?
A: Wedding cake

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry her

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a woman with PMS?
A: Lipstick

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't, there's a clock on the oven

Q: How do you know that beer contains female hormones?
A: If you drink two or three, you can't drive properly anymore and start talking nonsense

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it

Q: Why do women have such small feet?
A: So they can stand closer to the oven

Q: What takes up 12 parking spaces?
A: 6 Women drivers

Q: Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning yet

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: Because they don't have balls

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A: A $100 bill

Q: Why did God make women?
A: You think he's gonna wash the dishes?

Q: What is a wife?
A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Q: Why do women love reaching climax in bed?
A: Because it gives them another reason to moan!

Q: What do you call a woman with no clitoris?
A: It doesn't matter, she's not going to come

Q: How is a woman like an airplane?
A: Both have cockpits

Q: How is a woman like an airplane?
A: Both have cockpits

Q: What do you call a woman who will gives head for a pair of Jimmy Choos?
A: Head Over Heels

Q: How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
A: She fits into your wife's clothes

Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off?
A: They can't stand to see a man have a good time!

Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up

Q: Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips?
A: Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.

Q: Why is life like a penis?
A: Women make it hard!

Q: What do you call a girl with PMS and ESP?
A: A bitch who thinks she knows everything

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't moan when you put meat in it

Q: What book do women like the most?
A: Their husband's checkbook!
Female Viagra has been around for years... it's called money!
Always love a woman for her personality. She has ten you can choose from.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them.

Q: What is the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job still sucks.

Q: Whats another meaning for a women?
A: Finger puppet

Q: What do toys and womens breasts have in common?
A: They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with

Q: Why is a female like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the shit out of you.

Q: What do you call a married woman vacuuming?
A: Doing what he's told...

Q: A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
A: The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

Q: Why does a man like to see two women kiss each other?
A: Two less mouths that are bitching.

Q: What do you call a woman who raps about women's rights?
A: Feminine

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A: You come in one and go in the other.

Q: What is loud and obnoxious?
A: A woman.

Q: Why did God create orgasms?
A: So women can moan even when they're happy.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: Why did God give women orgasms?
A: So they've got something else to moan about!

Q: Whats the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease?
A: One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fucking mental, the other is an agricultural problem.

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasms?
A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: Why is our salary like a women's period?
A: It comes once in a month,lasts only for four or five days and if any month it does not come it means your fucked.

Q: How do you blind a woman?
A: You put a windshield in front of her.

Q: Why are men sexier than women?
A: You can't spell sexy without xy.

Q: What takes up 12 parking spaces?
A: 6 Women drivers.

Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q: What is love?
A: The delusion that one woman differs from another. Monkeys and girls both are same. they fight only for Banana, Boys and rats are same they search only holes.

Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: What do you call a woman covered in tatoos?
A: Muriel.

Q: What did scooby doo say to the lady with the leaky tampon?
A: Row row raggy.

Q: What do 3 million abused women do wrong every year?
A: They don't fucking listen.

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q: Why did God create the orgasm?
A: So women can moan even when they're happy.

Q: What's better than winning the WNBA championship?
A: Being able to pee standing up.

Q: What is the difference between Feminists and Shit?
A: Feminists ain't shit!

Q: Why don't women wear watches?
A: There's a clock on the stove.

Q: How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower?
A: Give the bitch a shovel

Q: What is the difference between a Woman and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!

Q: How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A: She has her tampon behind her ear, and she can't find her cigarette.

Q. Why do women talk so much?
A. Because they have two sets of lips.

Q: What worse than finding out your wife's got cancer?
A: Finding out it's curable.

Q: What's the difference between your bonus and your dick?
A: You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $4.99 a minute.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, feminists can't change anything.

Best Office Jokes

Mom: Son, get up its time to go to college.
Son: No Maa.. I don't want to go to college.
Mom: Give me 2 reasons why don't u want to go to college
Son: 1. All students hate me
2. All staff hates me..
Mom: Ooh! That's not a reason
C'mon, you must go to college
Son: Give me 2 reasons why I should go to college
Mom:" 1. U are not a kid, you are 47 years old
2. U are the Principal of the college
Moral: Sirf bachchon ka hi man nahin karta chhutti karne ka

The Most Powerful
Word Other
"I Love You"
Is
"Salary Is Credited"

Pahele Alibaba aur 40 chor tha
Ab
Alibaba aur 20 chor ban gaya
Batao Kyon ?
Recession Boss
20 choro ko nikal diya
Cost Cutting

Blackmailing in new style to the company boss....
Employee to boss: agar aap ne meri salary nahi badhai,
To sare office ko bata doon ga ki
"Aapne meri salary badha di haI"

Smallest resignation letter ever....
Dear sir,
aaakkkkk ThOooOoo
Thank you...

An employee is getting to know her new co-workers when the topic of her last job comes up.
“Why did you leave that job?” asked one co-worker. “It was something my boss said,” she replied.
“What did he say?” the co-worker quizzed.
“You’re fired.”

A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, "What do you think is your worst quality?"
The man says "I'm probably too honest."
The boss says, "That's not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality."
The man replies, "I don't give a sh*t what you think!"

Manager: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?”
Staff: “A little. What’s wrong sir?”
Manager: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.”
Staff: “How did you load the sheet?”
Manager: “I didn’t want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.”

A School Master from a remote rural area in Bihar was transferred to a new Schoolin Mumbai.
He reported for duty two days after the actual date of joining. Consequently he was asked for an explanation in writing…

A man went to face an interviewer. Board of Directors asked him, “Tell the difference between “COMPLETE” and “FINISH”.
The man replied, I am clarifying with the example, “When u marry a right person you are “Complete” and when you marry the wrong one you are “Finish”.

Interviwer : What is the reason to change the job?
Applicant : My previous company address was changed, and they forgot to give me the address.

Manager asked Santa at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Santa: POST BOX

Long back,
A person who sacrificed his sleep,
forgot his family,
forgot his food,
forgot laughter were called "SAINTS"
But now they are called....
....
"IT professionals/ Logistics Professionals"

A man went to face an interviewer. Board of Directors asked him, "Tell the difference between "COMPLETE" and "FINISH".
The man replied, I am clarifying with the example, "When u marry a right person you are "Complete" and when you marry the wrong one you are "Finish".

One employee told his boss, "Sir, Increase my salary, I got married recently."
The boss replied, "The Company cannot compensate for the accidents happened outside of the company."

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Once an electronics engineer wife was pregnant and delivered a baby, but due to work the husband was in a camp.
The doctors phoned him to give the news, when the doctor called the Engineer and said he had a baby, the engineer asked whether it was a transmitter or a receiver!

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

Two West Virginia lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills. She was attractive, and really hot but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life.
One attorney said to the other, "Mary is so young and pretty she might be taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys. Why don't we teach her what's right and what's wrong?"
"Great idea," said the partner. You teach her what's right."

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

The boss and an applicant are talking:
Boss:(asking the applicant) Why did you leave your last job?
Applicant: Illness
Boss: What was the trouble?
Applicant: My boss was sick of me.

The brain is an wonderfull organ, it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired assistant into his office. "Do you know what time we quit around here?" he asked.
"Sure !" the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door."

As salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission. He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss."
He received the following fax from his secretary: "The boss is prepared... prepare yourself."

The workers talk about football in the afternoon,
The officers talk about cricket in the afternoon,
The managers talk about billiards in the afternoon,
and the directors talk about golf in the afternoon,
that means and proves that higher you go smaller your balls are!!

"Your salary is your personal business," a boss told his newest executive, " and it shouldn't be disclosed to anyone."
"I can't dream of telling anyone about it ." said the employee "I'm as ashamed of it as you are!"

The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing,
"All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign.'"

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Employer to applicant: 'In this job, we need someone who is responsible.'
Applicant: 'I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.'

Funny Girls Jokes 

Boy: "Isn't the principal a dummy!"
Girl: "Say, do you know who I am?"
Boy: "No."
Girl: "I'm the principal's daughter."
Boy: "And do you know who I am?"
Girl: "No,"
Boy: "Thank god!"

Girl: Do you know, married men live longer than single man do?
Boy : Do you know married men are a lot more willing to die!

Boy : Marry me.. ?
Girl: Do you have a house.. ?
Boy : No..
Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ?
Boy : No..
Girl: How much is your salary.. ?
Boy : No salary.. but,..
Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.!!
Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2 Porsche.. Why I still need to buy BMW.?! How can I get the salary when actually I am the BOSS..

A Fact :
"A Girl Will Always Forgive And Forget
But
She Will Never Let You Forget That She Had
Forgiven And Forgotton.. 

Boy to girl before exam: Hey all d best
Girl: All da best to u too
But girl scored 80 marks & boy failed
 Moral: Only boys wish with true heart.. 

Boy Brought Present 4 His GF
Girl :(After Opening)What D Hell Wud I Do Wid Dis Diwali Rocket ?
Boy  : U Wanted Stars Na?Now Sit On It N Get Lost!!

Boy To Girl: Why do you love a rose,
which dies in a day.
But don’t love me, who dies for you everyday?
Girl Replied: . . . . . . Oye hoye … Dialogue!!

Girl-Nice Mobile.
Where Did U Buy? Boy-I Won Dis In A Running Race.
Girl-How Many People Participated?
Boy- MOBILE OWNER, POLICE And ME.

STRANGE REALITY OF FACEBOOK:
Girl Status: I am feeling sad.. 952 comments
Boy Status: I am going to commit suicide .. 2 likes.

Innocent girl:Why boys are so careless and irresponsible?
Clever boy   :Coz they know that somewhere a sweet and innocent girl is learning to be responsible for them.

Boy: Hey girl! Is your name Google.?
Girl: No-But why..?
Boy: bcoz you have all the things
I’m searching for….!

GIRL: I Have A Question For You.
BOY: Alright, Ask Me.
GIRL: What Do You See When You
Look In My Eyes?
BOY: You Honestly Wanna Know?
GIRL: Yeah !!……
BOY: My Future
Joke :Boy girl joke
Undefined Things of Boys
Tum na bahut wo ho (now what the hell is ‘wo’)
Mujhe tumse ye umeed nahi thi (no one will ever
know what was their ‘umeed’)
Tum pehle jaisi nahi rahi (they will themselves
change you as time passes and then throw this dialogue) 

Boy: Boys are intelligent than girls!
Girl: Any proof ? Boy: You always say intelliGENTS
but you never say intelliLADIES!
“Great people Great thoughts.”
Joke :Boy girl joke
Girl : neend me ho to sapne bhejo! jaag rahe ho to yaadein bhejo!
ro rahe ho to aansu bhejo! sms parh rahe ho to
reply bhejo!
Boy  : toilet me hun, kya bhejun?

BOY: come with me…
GIRL: where?
BOY: wherever you like.
GIRL: OK let’s go to Police Station.
BOY: Lo batao ab banda apni sister se majak bhi nahi kar sakta!

Boy and girl in restaurant
Boy: I love you
Girl: I don’t love you
Boy: Think again?
Girl: No no and no
Boy: waiter, bring separate bills.
Girl: ok ok….I love you too

Girl: kya kr rhy ho?
Boy: Makhiyan mar rha hu
Girl: ktni mari?
Boy: 3male or 2female
Girl: Kse malom?
Boy: 3 shrab ki bottle se chipki hui thi or 2 fone se.

Girl: Hum Kaha Ja Rahe He..?
Boy: Long Drive Par..!!
Girl: Pahle Kyun Nhi Bataya..?
Boy: Mujhe B Abhi Pata Chala Jub Break
Nai Lag rahe.

Hamare Dost Devendar Ko Badi Tharak Chadi Hui Thi, Control Na Hua To Ek Dalal Ke Paas Jakar Bola.
Devendar: “Ek Bade Ball Aur Chote Hole Wali Ladki Bhejo”
Kuch Der Baad Ek Ladki Aayi Aur Devendar Se Puchha.
Ladki: “Kya Aap Wahi Hai, Jiska Muh Bada Aur Lund Chhota Hai“

Ek Ladki Nurse Se: “Meri Choot Fat Gayi Hai Mujhe Taanke Lagwane Hain.”
Nurse: “Size Kitna Rakhna Hai?”
Ladki Soch Kar Boli: “Apni Ke Jitna Rakh Do.”
Nurse: “Fir Toh Aur Jyada Faadni Padegi….“

Ek Ladki Apni Saheli Se: “Yaar Meri Kamar Dukh Rahi Hain?”
Saheli: “Kyun, Kaya Hua?”
Ladki: “Yaar Wo Mein Doggi Style Mein Sxx Karwati Hun Na Isliye..”
Saheli: “Toh Koi Aur Style Mein Sxx Kar Liya Kar..”
Ladki: “Mein Toh Kar Lu Lekin Mere Kutte Ko Aur Koi Style Aata Hi Nahi…“

College Naye Naye Start Hue Thhe And Class Chal Rahi Thhi
Ek Shararti Ladke Ne Apne Aage Bethi Ladki Ki Gaand Mein Ungli Dal Di
Ladki Muskurate Hue Piche Mud Kar Boli: “Utni Hi Tatti Nikalna Jitni Khani Ho“

Dentist: Kya aap "Oral B" Karti ho..?
Lady: Karna padta hai Dr. Sahab,
uske bina inka KHADA hi nahi hota

A boy to a girl: Darling!
Ur Lips r so nice,
so sweet,
so soft,
so moist,
so pink.
Girl:
bh0sdike ch#?#?t? se muh hata

Boy- Accha tum rakho
Gal- nhi tum phone rakho
Boy- nahi tum rakho baby
Girl- nahi na tum rkho Boy- nahi..
Roommate- Bhsdk rakh nhi toh main ghuma ke rakhunga ek kaan ke neeche.

Ek larki Santa ki Lulli moun mein ley kr boli,
1000 rupay nikaal warna kaat loon gi,
Santa bola: teri behn nu lan,
500 mujhey dey warna peeshab kar doon ga

Difference between dream and aim
Dream : chodna
Aim : usi ko chodna

Faisal Mochi Ki Shadi Hui
Suhag Raat Mein Wo Kuch Kiye Bina So Gaya
Biwi Ne uska Haath Apne Niche Lagaya To Wo Neend Mein Bola
Is Ki Silaai Ke 35 Rupye Lunga.

Ladke Wale:Ladki Kuchh Karti Bhi Hai ?
Ladki Ki Maa :subha Nashte Mein 2 Parathe Dopehr 4 Roti
Raat Me 2 Plate Biryani Kha Ke Theek
10 Bje
TATTI Karti Hai

Best Marriage Jokes

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.

The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

If you can't say something nice, say it to your husband... he's not listening anyway.

Just asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!

Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Kids asked if they could do something & I said yes so my wife lowered my security clearance & now I'm not authorized to make those decisions

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.

Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.

My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.

The most dangerous room in the house really depends on where your wife is at the moment.

Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.

Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman – marry three times.

Marriage advice for dummies: Five worst things you can do 5 Abandon 4 Lie 3 Cheat 2 Abuse 1 Forget to start the dishwasher

Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

All men are idiots...and I married their king.

You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

You should argue with your wife only when she's not around.

Marriage is the main reason for divorce.

Every wife should understand one thing: a dinner will taste better if she cooks it less frequently.

How are tornadoes and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages Need I say more?

What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Wife renewed me for another season.

Funny Medical Jokes

One Direction remind me of hospital superbugs. You know there're quite a few, but nobody can name more than two.

So I went to the dentist. He said, "Say aaah." I said, "Why?" He said, "My dog's died."

Doctor Doctor! Do you think your surname influenced your choice of career?

I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.

I have some good news and some bad news. But don't worry, I'll give the good news to your widow.

I went to the doctor for this weird skin thing I've got, but apparently everyone's got that.

My best mate wasn't sure about me using anaesthetic on him, but he's finally come round.

conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes.

When my daughter was born she had jaundice. There she was - small, round and yellow. So we called her Melanie.

I went to the doctor. I said to him: "I'm frightened of lapels." He said: "You've got cholera."

Health officials have shut down the village fete. Apparently there was an outbreak of tombola.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

I wish I had a twin so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass.

Unfortunately for agoraphobics the cure is just around the corner.

Next up on Channel 5. A woman has a painful wrist in RSI Miami

I was worried about my health, so I went to see my GP. I said "Is it too late for me as a fat middle aged woman?" He said "No, it's never too late, just do something a couple of times a week that gets you slightly out of breath."
So I started smoking again.

Let your kids experience the thrill of being a doctor by not letting them sleep for 36 hours, then playing Operation.

I went to the doctor and he said, "You've got hypochondria." I said, "Not that as well!"

I went to the doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58, my doctor's going, "Robin, you need drugs to live." And I realise my doctor is my dealer now... and a lot harder to get hold of.

Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair, and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.

The last show I did had a 10 minute routine about homeopathy. I don't have any homeopathy jokes in this year's show because if I dilute my homeopathic material it will become much more powerful.
And if you got that, you're a nerd.

The hardest thing about being a trainee proctologist is having to work your way up from the bottom.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

Doctor told me I've got 2 weeks to live. I said, "Can I have the last week in July and the first week in August?"

Murphy walks into the hospital and Flanagan is lying there covered in bandages. "What happened to you?" He said, "I fell through a plate glass window.""Lucky you were wearing them bandages!"

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

The doctor says to this fella, "I've got bad news and worse news." He says, "Oh give me the bad news." He says, "You've got 24 hours to live.""What's the worse news?""I forgot to call you yesterday."

Doctor: I’m sorry to have to tell you that you may have rabies, and it could prove fatal. Patient: Well, doctor, please give me pencil and paper. Doctor: To make your will? Patient: No, to make a list of people I want to bite.

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "Oops!"

A woman goes to her doctor. She has a breadstick up her nose, a potato in her right ear and string bean in her left ear. She says, "Doctor, can you help me? I don't feel well, and I cannot figure out what's wrong." The doctor replies; "Well my dear you are clearly not eating properly!"

“Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.” “How long have you had this feeling?” “Ever since I was a kid.”

The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

After the doctor gives the patient his diagnosis, the patient says; “Can I have a second opinion?
The doctor says; “Sure. Come back tomorrow.”

A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, “You have acute appendicitis.”
The blonde says, “That’s sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help.”

A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

AUNT MARY: (horrified) “Good gracious. Harold, what would your mother say if she saw you smoking cigarettes?”
HAROLD (calmly)—“She’d have a fit. They’re her cigarettes.”

Dana:  What did the doctor give the sick cowboy?
Dennis:  Some cough stirrup?

“I don’t believe any two words in the English language are synonymous.”
“Oh, I don’t know. What’s the matter with ‘raise’ and ‘lift’?”
“There’s a big difference. I ‘raise’ chickens and have a neighbor who has been known to ‘lift’ them.”

Rick:  What did the doctor say to the patient who told him that his stomach hurt?
Mary:  “Stop your belly-aching!”

Patient:  When will my measles improve?
Doctor: I’m not sure - I don’t want to make any rash promises!

Man A—“I said something awful to my wife which offended her pretty bad last week. She has not said a peep to me since.”
Man B—“Would you mind telling me what it was?”

A doctor calls his patient and says; the check you gave me for my bill came back. The patient replied: So did my arthritis!

“What does your mother say when you tell her those dreadful lies?”
“She says I take that after my father”

A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: “I am willing to let you have the baby half the time.”

“Good!” said he, rubbing his hands. “Splendid!”
“Yes,” she responded, “you may have him nights.”

Q: What did the math book say to the Psychiatrist?
A: I have so many problems!

Q: There was a truck driver going the wrong way down the street while a policeman was watching him.  Why didn’t the policeman stop him?
A: Because the truck driver was walking!

Q:What did one penny say to the other?
A: Let’s get together and make some sense!

Q: How do you make the word ONE disappear?
A: Put a G in front of it and it’s GONE.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the prom?
A: He didn’t have anyBODY to go with!

“Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia?  I heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and he died of typhus.”  The doctor responds “Don’t worry, it won’t happen to me - if I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia.”

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good to everyone is like expecting a lion not to eat you because you are a vegan.

The patient asked his doctor “Is there any way a man can avoid paying alimony doc?  These payments are strangling me!”  And the doctor answered, “There sure is—he can stay single or stay married.”

A child was brought into the doctor’s office with multiple bug bites.  The doctor sits down to start the examination and says “How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?”  The child replied “Don’t bite any!”

“Tommy,” said his mom, “Can you please run across the street and see how old Mrs. Williams is this morning?”  “Sure mom” Tommy replied.  A few minutes later he came home and reported to his mom, “Mrs. Williams says it’s none of your business how old she is.”

The children were in the other room when the Mom heard a crash and what sounded like glass breaking.  “Joey, what on earth are you doing in there?” shouted the Mom.  To which Joey replied “I’m not doing nuttin Mom, it’s already done…”

A guy walks into work and both of his ears are bandaged up.  The boss says “What happened to your ears?”  The guy says “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron!”  The boss says “Well that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”  The guy says “Well jeez, I had to call the doctor!”

What do you call a dance for people who don’t like each other?
Avoidance.

Nerd Jokes

A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left.
The chemist shoots at the same deer and misses five feet to the right.
The statistician shouts, “We got him!”

What is a cation afraid of?
Dogions

Heisenberg is pulled over by a cop who asks him, “Do you know how fast you were women going?”
Heisenberg replies, “No, but I know where I am.”

A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says, “I’m sorry, we don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.”
The Higgs Boson says, “But how can you have mass without me?”

Where does bad light end up?
In prism.

A logician’s wife is having a baby. Straight after the birth the doctor hands the baby to the father. The wife asks impatiently, “Is it a boy or a girl?”
The logician replies, “Yes.”

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He’s 0k now.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

How do you know the moon is going broke?
It’s down to its last quarter.

Have you heard about the sick chemist?
If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, you’ll probably have to barium.

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.

C, E flat and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

What is a physicist’s favorite food?
Fission chips.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but really mean your mother.

What do you call two crows on a branch?
Attempted murder.

My teacher said to me, “Name two pronouns.”
I said, “Who, me?”

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A fish.

The distinction between "you're" and "your" might not look like much to some, but confusing the two can deeply annoy those of us who value good grammar. Following the rules of grammar makes your texts clearer and more respectable.

Windows Vista supports real multitasking - it can boot and crash simultaneously.

The box said 'Requires Windows 95 or better'. So I installed Linux.

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

If it weren't for C, we'd all be programming in BASI and OBOL.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

Mac users swear by their Mac, PC users swear at their PC.

My attitude isn't bad. It's in beta.

Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product.

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

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Office Jokes

Marriage Jokes

Unix is user friendly. It's just selective about who its friends are.

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Bugs come in through open Windows.

CAPS LOCK – Preventing Login Since 1980.

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net on a 14.4k dial up connection.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem.

Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

Learning the difference between homophones like "horde" and "hoard" will also help you stay out of trouble with the grammar police. We suggest checking out this list of grammar puns so you know how to stay on their good side!

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Q: What does a proud computer call his little son?
A: A microchip off the old block.

Q: What is another name for a computer virus?
A: A terminal illness

Q: What do you get if you take your computer to an ice rink?
A: A slipped disk

Q: How can you tell if a computer geek is an extrovert?
A: They stare at your shoes when you talk instead of their own.

Q: Why did the programmer use the entire bottle of shampoo during one shower?
A: Because the bottle said "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

Q: How does a network administrator nerd greet people who come to his house?
A: Welcome to 127.0.0.1

Q: Why can't cats work on the computer?
A: They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.

Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says, “I’ll have some H20.”
The second one says, “I’ll have some H20 too.”
The second one dies.

Why does a burger have less energy than a steak?
A burger is in its ground state.

Schrodinger gets pulled over by a cop. The cop searches the trunk and says, “Do you know there’s a dead cat in here?”
Schrodinger says, “Well I do now!”

My friend Power has been stressed all week. His boss keeps making him work overtime.
(P=W/T)

If you’re not part of the solution…
You’re part of the precipitate.

Why did I divide Sin by Tan?
Just Cos.

Why can’t you trust atoms?
They make up everything.

Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar and doesn’t.

Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he wants a drink?
Descartes says, “I think not” and then he disappears.

The first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club.

There are two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides of first?
The one with the lowest mew

Jokes Quotes

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty.

I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!" 

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!

And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"

It's hard for a man to turn down sex … if they chase us, we can't run that fast.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

ever go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

A black man failing black history... ain't that some sad shit..... cuz you know, fat people don't fail cooking!

A man is only as faithful as his options.

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

Jokes Qotes

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

 I mean, they don't grade fathers. But if your daughter's a stripper, you fucked up.

George Bush has fucked up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to run for president! People are like "give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra...anything but another white man! That last one fucked up my roof!"

Comedy is the blues for people who can't sing.

When I heard they were trying and get rid of the word "nigga", I told my accountant to buy 800 shares of "coon".

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a argument. It's impossible you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad, made me think I stole my own car. "Get out of the car, get out of the fucking car! You stole this car!" I was like 'damn, maybe I did!'.

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.

They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy." 

People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, "red meat will kill you"? Don't eat no red meat? No, don't eat no green meat. If you lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the shit out of it!

We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?!

Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'

There are people who would like to get rid of minimum wage. But we have to have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some Spam.

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Nerd Jokes

Non-Vej Jokes 

Not a Harvard-type education, ... Just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.

That's right, "tell your mama", "tell your mama", "tell your mama"… nobody tells daddy shit!

Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.

Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!

Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"

I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!

You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma 

Political Jokes

Sonia kabse rahul baba ko phone kar rahi thi. Lekin woh to phone utha nahin raha tha. Aakhir usne phone uthaya.
Sonia: Arre kidhar hai tu. Election ki kitni taiyyari karni hai. Aur tu phone kyon nahin utha raha tha?
Rahul ne sharmate hue kaha: Mein to 'ringtone' par naach raha tha!!

Q: What do Rahul Gandhi and a statue have in common ?
A: They do nothing!

Sonia: Beta kya hua tumhe? Tum ro kyun rahe ho?
Rahul: Kuch nahin mummy. Ghode ke upar se gir gaya.
Sonia ko bahut gussa aaya. Usne secretary ko bulaya.
Sonia: Secretary, mera beta ghode se kaise gir gaya? Ghode ko training nahin di thi kya?
Secretary: Lekin...
Sonia: Lekin wekin kuch nahin...aap ko pata nahin kya Rahul hamara bhavishya hai!
Secretary: Lekin Rahul baba khilaune wale ghode ke upar se gire!!!

What is the difference between a politician and vampire?
Ans: Vampire only suck blood. A politician will suck your blood as well as hard earned money!

How do you start a politician's race ?
Just shout loudly chairrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
And then how do you stop that race?
Just break the damn chair!!

What do you call someone who dances on street?
Ans: A street dancer !
OK. That was easy one. Now tell me....
What do you call someone who dances on the tunes of a woman?
Ans: Manmohan Singh

What is the difference between a barking dog and a politician?
Ans: Kutta ek baar hi kaantata hai!
Kutte mein aur Manmohan mein kya farq hai?
Ans: Kutta bhaunk ne ke liye to muh kholta hai

Q: How do you keep rahul gandhi in suspense?
..
..
..
Ans: Give him a mirror and tell him to wait for the other person to say 'hi.'

What is the difference between the government and the Mafia?
..
..
Ans: One of them is organized!

Obama: This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket, there were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the seven o'clock race - so I backed the seventh.
Wife: Did it win?
Obama: No, it came seventh.

Rahul ko sonia ne dukaan mein oil lene bheja.
Rahul bottle kharid leta hai aur dhyan se bottle ko dekhta hai. Phir ekdum chillane lagta hai..
Rahul: Mera free gift kidhar hai jo oil ke bottle pe likha hai?
Dukaandar: Iske saath koi gift nahin hai baba.
Rahul : Ispe to likha hai 'CHOLESTROL FREE' !!

Where is the best place to hide a corrupt politician?
And: There is no better place that hell ! Lets do it !!

What is a Pakistan's national animal?
Ans: Zardari !

What is the best advice to be given to Rahul Gandhi?
Ans: Stay away from politics!

How do you measure Rahul Gandhi's intelligence?
Ans: By asking a question: what is two plus two ?!!

Manmohan Singh and Sonia went hunting. Manmohan saw a large bird fly by. He raised his rifle to shoot.
Sonia: Hey, the rifle is not loaded.
Manmohan: I can't wait. The bird will be gone if I take the time to load!

Rahul Gandhi Kaun Banega Crorepati khel raha tha.
Amitabh: Rahul ji, aap ek crore se bus ek kadam hi door hai. To yeh raha aapka aakhri sawal:
Q. Kya aap prime minister banana chahoge?
a. Haan
b. Nahin
c. Pata nahin
d. Kabhi haan kabhi naa
Rahul: Saare jawab galat hai. Asli jawab hai: Mammi ko pata hai!

Best Political jokes

Project Management and mathematics of corruption:
A minister: Potential for corruption
Two ministers: Possibility of corruption
Three ministers: Planning of corruption
Five ministers: Preparation for Corruption
Ten Ministers: Execution of corruption
Prime Minister: Delivery of corruption

Why did Manmohan Singh cross the road ?
Ans: To prove he wasn't chicken !

Why did the Indian union minister made corruption of only 1 crore?
?
?
Ans: He was on a diet!

Q. If top 10 corrupt Indian politicians took a boat ride and the boat sank, who would be saved?
Ans: India!

Manmohan: Terrorism ek bahut badi samasya hai. Isliye hum sab ko ek joot hokar iska samna karna padega. Aatankwaad se hum sab milkar ladenge. Pura Hindustan ladega. Isliye tum sab log aage badho.....daro mat.... mein aur madam tumhare piche piche hi aa rahe hai!!!

Rahul Gandhi garden mein cycle chalana seekh raha tha. Cycle chalate chalate woh over confidant hogaya aur...
Rahul: Look, Mummy! No hands!
Sonia: Good.. continue..
Rahul: Look, Mummy! No feet!
Sonia: Waaah!
Rahul: Look, Mummy! No teeth!!! 

Once Lalu and Mayawati went to USA. They hired a car and started driving to Las Vegas.
Just outside the city limits they saw a sign: CLEAN REST ROOMS.
By the time they reached to Vegas, they cleaned total 120 rest rooms!!

Rahul Gandhi: Mummy, birthday ka cake mein apne hatho se banaunga.
Sonia: Theek hai...lekin sambhalkar.
Thodi der baad...
Rahul: Mummy cake ready hai!
Sonia: Arre lekin candles kidhar hai?
Rahul: Woh to oven mein hi pighal gayi!

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Funny Non-Vej Jokes 

Double Meaning Jokes

A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from Delhi to Italy. Rahul Gandhi was also there. At last he could stand it no longer. "Hey kid," he shouted. "Why don't you go outside and play?"

Did you hear about the funny incident?
One day rahul gandhi wrote himself a letter and forgot to sign it and when it arrived he didn't know who it was from!!

Ek din Lalu Prasad apni bhais ko lekar horse racing ground pe jata hai.
Race course ka manager: Yaha gadhe nahin sirf ghode daudte hai.
Lalu: Yeh gadha nahin bhaiswa hai.
Race course ka manager: Lekin mein to gadhe ko hi keh raha hoon!

Did you hear this story about Rahul Gandhi?
He stayed up all night to see where the sun went?

Why are you crying, rahul baba ?' asked sonia.
rahul: Because my new shoes hurt.
sonia: That's because you have put them on the wrong feet!
rahul: But they are the only feet I have!!

Q: Why couldn't rahul baba write the number ELEVEN?
A: Because he didn't know which one came first!

Religious Jokes

A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a small boy trying to use the doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time the pastor walks across the street up to the little fellow and rings the doorbell.
Kneeling down next to the child, the pastor smiles and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Run!

A Sunday school teacher was teaching the Ten Commandments to her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked,"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
One little boy shouted, "Thou shall not kill."

Can you tell me why a $10 bill looks so small at the grocery store but so big at church?

A church had a picnic and invited the entire community to come. The Pastor placed a basket full of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please - Remember that God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a plate of cookies where one of the children had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."

When I was little, my dad would ask me, "George, do you love the Lord?" I would say, "Yes, I do." He would tell me "Then stand up and shout Halleluhah!" So I would, and then I would fall out of the roller coaster.

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.

When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out a sample of it."

A young couple invited their pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the Pastor, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yes," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'We might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day."

Religious Jokes

I recently drove about 2000 miles on various U.S. highways. Along the side of the road there were many shrines marking where people had died in auto accidents. Almost all the shrines included a cross. I only saw a couple with Stars of David.
There's only one possible conclusion: Jews are better drivers than Christians.

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

Dear Heavenly Father,
So far, today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped or lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, or self centered. I'm really happy about that so far. But in a few minutes I'm going to be getting out of bed and then I'm going to need a lot of help. Thank you! Amen

There was a new family that had just moved into town. Their son came to Sunday School but seemed upset. His teacher asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed with the boy's parents and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.
The boy replied, "Yes he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

This year for our pastor's birthday, the congregation decided to give him a new suit.
He was so touched by the gift that the following Sunday he stood before everyone and, with tears in his eyes, announced, "Today I will be preaching to you in my birthday suit."

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

An elderly woman died last month and having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, so I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem. They give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song. They give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?
Artie said, " I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Merle said: , "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives."
Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please - God is watching."
On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign on saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."

A preacher's little boy inquired, "Daddy, I notice every Sunday morning when you first come out to preach, you sit up on the platform and bow your head. What are you doing?"
The father explained, "I'm asking the Lord to give me a good sermon."
The little boy said, "Then why doesn't he?"

Casey asked her Sunday school teacher a question: "If the people of Israel are Israelites, and the people of Canann are Canannites, are the people of Paris called Parasites?"

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.
She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up!"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A father took his five-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game. Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!"

A six-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."

A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.  The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started singing in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes.... and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron."

A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a four-year-old Protestant girl in a children's pool in the backyard. They splashed each other, got very wet and decided to take their wet clothes off.  The little boy looked at the little girl and said, "Golly, I didn't know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants."

A mother was teaching her three-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."

To close each day's activities in summer and on holidays in the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World at Lake Buena Vista, Fla., a huge fireworks display lights up the sky.
One night I noticed a small boy about three years old perched on his father's shoulder. The child sat mesmerized, aware only of what was exploding in the heavens. When the fireworks were over, the little boy looked up into the sky again and said, "Thank you, God."

After listening restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a six-year-old boy asked his father what the preacher did the rest of the week.
"Oh, he's a very busy man," the father replied. "He takes care of church business, visits the sick, ministers to the poor...and then he has to have time to rest up. Talking in public isn't an easy job, you know."
The boy thought about that, then said, "Well, listening ain't easy, either!

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?  They're hushers."

My pastor was about to take offering and asked if anyone would like to sing a special.  My friend's six-year-old daughter raised her hand.  Her mother reached out to grab her hand and pull it down but it was too late. The pastor saw it....called out to her and asked her to come forward and share her song.
She stood up straight and grabbed the microphone and proceeded to sing..."I wish they could all be California girls".
At our Mother/Daughter banquet the pastor's wife asked for of the daughters to come forward to share what their mother has taught them. She choose my 14-year-old daughter and as I sat their reviewing all the wonderful things I taught her, she said, "My mom taught me to love my body now, because I'm going to hate it when I'm 40."

A child was watching his mother sift through and delete a long list of junk E-mail on the computer screen.
"This reminds me of the Lord's Prayer," the child said.
"What do you mean?" the mother asked.
"You know.  That part about 'deliver us from E-mail."

Top 50 School Jokes

Teacher: Ramu, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Ramu: Me!

Teacher: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
Ramu: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.

Teacher: Shamu, go to the map and find North America.
Shamu: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, Ramu, who discovered America?
Ramu: Shamu!

Teacher: Ramu, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Ramu: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also
admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Ramu: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Ramu: Don't bite any.

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would
I be showing?
Ramu: Brotherly love.

Teacher: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father: No. Why do you ask that?
Teacher: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Ramu: A teacher

Teacher: Ramu, why do you always get so dirty?
Ramu: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Teacher: Ramu, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
Ramu: You told me to do it without using tables!

Teacher: Why are you late?
Ramu: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Ramu: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Ramu: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday sametime."

Teacher: Now, Ramu, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Ramu: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Ramu: "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
Shamu: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Ramu: "The moon".
Teacher: "Why?"
Ramu: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the
day time when we don't need it"

Teacher: Ramu, give me a sentence starting with " I ".
Ramu: I is...
Teacher: No, Ramu. Always say, "I am."
Ramu: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Ramu: "HIJKLMNO"!!
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Ramu: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

Teacher: "Ramu, you talk a lot !"
Ramu: "It's a family tradition".
Teacher: "What do you mean?"
Ramu: "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher: "What about your mother?"
Ramu: "She's a woman".

Ramu: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Ramu: Your name on this report card.

What do you find in an empty nose?…fingerprints

Why are bananas good at gymnastics… They do great banana splits!

Why won’t the elephant use the computer?….He’s afraid of the mouse!

What do you call a sleeping cow?… a bulldozer!

What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?….Patty

What did the square say to the old circle?… Been around long?

What kind of hats do they where at the North Pole?….Ice Caps

What kind of snack do you have during a scary movie?…. I scream (ice cream)

What is a cat’s favorite dessert?….Pie a la meow’d!!!

Why is music like a fish?…. they both have scales!

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?…. a walkie-talkie

What happens when you wear a snowsuit inside?…… It melts!

Did you hear about the dog at the flea circus? …He stole the show!

What does an envelope say when you lick it?…Nothing. It just shuts up.

How can you tell the ocean is friendly?…It waves!

Which are the stronger days of the week?…Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

Which runs faster, hot or cold?…Hot. Everyone can catch a cold.

What did the flower say to the bike?…Petal!

Did people laugh when the lady fell on the ice?…No, but the ice cracked up.

Knock knockout?…  Who is there?,,Daisy…Daisy who?…Daisy plays, nights he sleeps!

How do athletes stay cool during a game?…They sit near the fans!

What did the older chimney say to the younger chimney?…You’re too little to smoke!

What did the stamp say to the envelope?…Stick with me we’ll go places!

What do you call a cow with no legs?…Ground beef.

How do you make a tissue dance?…Put a little boogey in it!

What did the water say to the boat?…Nothing, it just waved.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other?…They don’t have the guts.

Did you hear about the kidnapping?…Probably not, he is still sleeping.

How do small children travel?…In mini-vans

What has hands but does not clap….A clock!

How do you make an egg roll?….You push it.

What did the math book tell the pencil?….I have a lot of problems.

How do billboards talk?….Sign language!

What kind of chain is edible?….A food chain!

How do hens stay fit?….The “egg-ercise”

What kind of cat likes water?….an octopuss!

What did the bunny say on January 1st?….Hoppy new year!

What do a chicken and a band have in common?….They both have drum sticks!

Why did the tomato turn red?….It saw the salad dressing!

What did the grape do when it got stepped on?….It let out a little wine!

Where did the spaghetti go to dance?….The Meat Ball!

When is a door like a bottle?….When the door is ajar.

What is the best thing to put into a pie?….A fork!

What does a pig put on a cut?….Oinkment

What do call of people afraid of Santa Claus?….Claustrophobic

What did the father buffalo say to his son?….Bye son (bison)

What is a pilot’s favorite type of donut?….A plain (plane) donut!

Why is it so hot in a football stadium after a game?….All the fans have left!

Why is a lost Dalmatian easily found?….Because he is always spotted!

Did you hear the joke about the cookie?….It is crummy.

What is a cat’s favorite color?….PUUUUURple

Did you hear the joke about the construction project?….I’m still working on it!

Where do you put smart hot dogs?….On honor rolls!

What goes tick-tock, woof-woof?….A watchdog!

What did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date?….Shore.

How do you get a peanut to laugh?….you crack it up!

Why did the farmer bury all his money?….to make his soil rich!

Where can you find an ocean without water?….on a map!

Why do shoemakers go to heaven?….Because they have good soles!

What do you call it when a cat sues another cat?   … A Claw suit.

Where do actors like to camp? ……The Hollywoods!

Why do fish swim in salt water?….Pepper makes them sneeze.

What is a robot’s favorite snack?….Computer chips!

What do you call a fish with two knees?….A two nee fish!

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?….Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bay gulls (bagels)!

Why did the boy stare at the automobile’s radio?….He wanted to watch a car-tune.

When is a theater clumsy?….When the curtain falls.

Why was the annoying exterminator fired?….Because he bugged his boss.

How did the soldier fit his tank in his house?…It was a fish tank!

Why was the book in the hospital?…Because it hurt his spine.

What did the leaves name their sons?…Russell.

Why did the man throw a clock out the window?…He wanted time to fly.

What is a rapper’s favorite toy?…a yo – YO!

Have you heard of the singing group the three dwarves?…Probably not. They are not that big.

What has  wheels and flies?…a garbage truck!

Where do cows go on dates?…MOOOOvies

Why was the trashcan sad?…He / she was dumped.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?…a Gummy bear

Why did the cookie cry?…He was feeling crumby.

Why did the computer go to the doctors?…It had a virus.

Why do birds fly south in the winter?…Because it’s too far to walk!

What is a snake’s favorite class?…Hissss-tory!

What do you call a cow with no feet?…Ground beef!

What kind of pants do ghosts wear?…Boo jeans!

What do prisoners use to call each other?…Cell phones.

What dog keeps the best time?…A watchdog.

What did the dentist give to the marching band?…A TUBA toothpaste

What did the bottle of dressing say to the person who opened the refrigerator door?…“SHUT THE DOOR!” I’m dressing!

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?…Dam!

Why is a traffic light red?…You would be red too if you were changing in front of people all day.

What is a pirate’s favorite letter?…RRRRR

Why does the pirate wear camouflage underwear?… To hide his booty!

Did I tell you the joke about the ceiling?…Oh forget it. It’s over your head.

What room is a dead man most afraid of?…The living room!

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?…He had NO BODY to go with.

What did the ocean say to the other ocean?…Nothing. He waved.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. But what do two WRIGHTS make?…A plane (Orville and Wilbur WRIGHT)!

Why was the strawberry sad?…His mother got into a JAM!

What do you call cheese that is not yours?…NACHO cheese!

When is the best time to go to the dentist?…2:30 (Tooth Hurty)!

What did one cannibal say to other after eating a clown?…Hey! Does this taste FUNNY to you?

What did one lamp say to the other lamp?…Hey! You turn me on!

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?…The wedding ceremony wasn’t too good, but the reception was great!

What did the man say when he walked into the bar?…Ouch!

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?… He’s all right now.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?…They’re trying to get away from the noise.

What does a skeleton order when he goes to a bar?…A beer and a mop.

Where do fish put their money?….. in a river bank!

What is the favorite TV show of fish?…Name that TUNA!

What did one penny say to the other penny?…Let’s get together and make some (sense) cents!

How much did it cost for a pirate to pierce his ears? … a buck an ear (a buccaneer)!

Why did the skeleton go to the piano store?…To buy some organs!

What section of the paper does a ghost always read?…the HORRORscopes

Why did the skeleton hold up the barbecue?…He needed a spare rib.

What did one eye say to the other eye?….Something between us smells!

What do you call a cow that walks on water?…Holy cow!

What is a witch’s favorite class?…Spelling

Why did the lettuce beat the carrot in a race?…Because it was a head!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?…No-Eye Deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes AND no legs…Still, no eyed deer!

What did zero (0) say to eight (8)?…Nice belt

Why is six afraid of seven?… Because  7 ATE 9

What do you get you drip a piano down a mineshaft?… A flat minor

What did one math book say to the other?…You think you’ve got problems.

What did one plate say to the other plate?…Lunch (dinner, or breakfast) is on me!

Where does Santa keep his money?…In a snow bank!

What did one wall say to the other?… Hey, let’s meet in the corner.

What is a knight’s favorite fish?… swordfish

Why are fish so smart?… They travel in schools!

What did the picture say to the wall?… I was framed!

Why do fish swim in salt water?… Pepper makes them sneeze.

What is a robot’s favorite snack? … Computer chips!

Knock knockout?…Who is there?…Daisy… Daisy who?… Daisy plays, nights he sleeps!

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? … A nervous wreck.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer? … He wanted cold hard cash!

What is a construction workers favorite bird? … A crane!

If two is a pair and three is a crowd, what are four and five? … Nine!

Why did the turtle cross the road? … To get to the “Shell” (gas) stations!

Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun? … Because he’s always a little short.

Knock knockout?…Who is there?…Irish…Irish who? … Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!

When does “B” come after “U”? … When you disturb its hive.

What is a frog’s favorite drink? … “croak – a – cola”

Have you heard the joke about the baseball? … It’ll leave you in stitches.

If April showers bring may flowers, what do mayflowers bring? … Pilgrims

What did one candle say to the other candle? … Are you going out tonight?

What did the blanket say to the bed? … Don’t worry. I got you covered.

Why did Silly Bill tip toe past the medicine cabinet? … He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.

What is a pokemon’s favorite dance? … The hokey pokemon

What bird can write under water? … A ball-point “pen” quin

Have you heard the joke about the sidewalk? … It’ll crack you up!

Knock, knock…Who’s there?…Dwayne…Dwayne who? … Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning!

Why did the turkey cross the road? … To prove it wasn’t chicken.

Knock, knock…Who’s there?…No body… (Don’t say anything)!

What kind of witch likes the beach? …  a SAND witch (sandwich)!

What do you get if you say “Tornado” ten times backward and forward? … A real tongue-twister!

Did you hear the one about the duck who robbed banks? … He was a safe quacker.

What kind of key does not open a lock? … a mon – KEY!

Why is your nose in the middle of your face? … Because it is the “scenter.” / Center!

How do you make a Venetian blind? … Poke him in the eye.

What do you call a bird that is sad? … A Blue Bird!

What do you call a fish with no I’s? … A Fssssssh!

Why did the baseball player get arrested? … Because he stole second base

What was the baby ant so confused? … Because all his uncles were ANTS!

Why was the dolphin so sad? … Because he had no PORPOISE in life!

What happened when the frog parked illegally? … It was TOAD!!

What always falls and never gets hurt?……..rain!

I heard they put a new wing on the school….That is true, but it still won’t fly.

What do astronauts have for dinner?…Launch meat!

What letters are not in the alphabet?…The ones in the mail.

Knock Knock!…Who’s there?…Cargo!…Cargo who?…CarGo Beep Beep!

What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears?… anything you want, it can’t hear you!

What is the only bow that you can’t tie?…Rainbow!

Knock Knock. Who’s there?…Dishes….Dishes who?…Dishes the police, come out with your hands up!!

What is the loudest state?… ILL-I-NOISE

Knock knock…who’s there?…little boy…little boy who?…little boy who can’t reach the doorbell!

Why did the boy throw the butter out the window?… to see a butterfly!

How was that Camping Trip?…Intense (in-tents)!

Why are Teddy Bears never hungry?…Because they are always stuffed!

Rocky Handsome

Kabir Ahlawat,
Age 30's Mein Hain, Killing 70's Mein
Naa Drug Offence Ka Record Hain, Na Koi Drugs Liya Hain
Urine Saaf Hai
Pan Card Van Card Sab Hain
Lekin Ek Baat Ajeeb Hain
2009 Se Pehle Iss Insaan Ka Koi Record Hi Nahi Mil Raha Hai

Dealdy, Dangerous Yaa Rocky
Iss Naam se Mujhe Vo Jaante Hain
Jo Mujhe Janna Nahi Chahte Hain
Baaki Sabke Liye I am Just,

John Abraham starrer 'Rocky Handsome' intro has actually lastly released and the actor is back in his action character. After amusing every person in comedy films, John will certainly be seen as a lethal, hazardous competitor with weapons as well as punches throughout once more. Which body obviously won't allow you to take your eyes off him.

Naam kya hain tumhara?
Naaymi
Inn Paiso ka kya karogi?
dhen teden..
Nail arts..
Apna nail parlour kholungi
Tuhmara bhi nails karo..

Tumhe Pata hain Sab Log Tumhe Kya bolte Hain
"Handsome"

Kal tune ek camera bag diya tha na
Saaman ussi ko vapas milta hain, Jisne girvi rakha ho
Kheesa Giravee rakhne wali hamre paas girvi hain..
Ab usko bye bole...

Tujhse kitni badi galti hui hain, Vo Tujhe teri sazaa batayegee..

Tum sirf iss case ke bare main jante ho, Kabir ke bare main nahi
Zakhmi sher ka shikaar nahi karte...

Check Here

Girl Jokes

Medical Jokes

Kal ki baat karne wala kal nahi martaa
Kal ki baat karne wala aaj marta hain..

Sirf aaj ka sochne wale ke hathon....
Aur main sirf abhi ki sochta hun..

Aaj tak goa main koi paida nahi hua
Jo mujhpe hath daal sake..

Tum gangster ho kya??

Rocky Handsome

"Rocky Handsome" is an upcoming Indian Bollywood action thriller Hindi motion picture of 2016 routed by Nishikant Kamat, Generated by Sunir Khetrapal and also John Abraham. The movie Celebrity Cast includes John Abraham as Rocky/Kabir Ahlawat as well as Shruti Haasan in Key Lead Functions with Nishikant Kamat, Sharad Kelkar, Nathalia Kaur and Diya Chalwad in various other sustaining parts. The Rocky Handsome flick is created by Ritesh Shah which is based upon Oriental flick "The Guy from No place" by Lee Jeong-beom. The film Cinematography done by Shanker Raman and Modifying work done by Aarif Shaikh under the manufacturing firm John Abraham Amusement as well as Azure Amusement. The film is all set to launch on March 25th, 2016.

Fan Movie Dialogues

Aa rha hai.....Duniya ka sabe bade superstar ka sabse bada Fan

Connection bhi na kamal ki chij hai....bas ho gya to ho gya, Mat pucho kaise

Roj hoti hai bat, Phone Internet pe nahi Aamne Samne, Jaise aapki aur Meri ho rhi hai

Rat ka nahi, Bada purana hai Apana Yarana

Kisi ne uske khilaf munh(Mouth) khola na to ho jati hai..Ladaai

Style marne ke chakkar mein maine agar kabhi...Hath khol diya to Beta ho jati hai....Kutaai

Aab yahi to hota hai...Connection aur kya ? Wifi, Bluetooth se bhi jayada strong hai Hamara connection

Bas thoda sa hi fark hai, Vo star hai aur main Uska Fan

chalis percent marks bhi nahi laa sakta tu....Jab dekho..Aryan..Aryan

Gharwale bhi na mere Samjhte nahi hain, Kabhi kabhi, Vo sirf star nahi hai, Duniya hai meri

Bhagwan ne bhi na sahi Gugli maari...Aryan ko banane ke bad jo mitti bachi na ..Usne mere ko bana diya

Check Here

Rocky Handsome Movie Dialogues

Fan Dialogues

Ki And Ka Movie Dialogues

Arjun : Main gay nahi hun...Sex change operation bhi nahi karwana chata...I like woman, I like whisky...par ye office career ke jhanjhat se pare rahna chahta hun.

Kareena Kapoor : Pagal mujhse shadi karna chahta hai....Do something with your life ! Use waste kyuo karna chahte ho Kisi husband banke.....Husband nahi ye meri wife banna chahta hai.

Kareena Kapoor : Kaise patee ho tum...Ek abla naree ko jalim duniya mein roji rotee kamane bhejte hua sharm nahi aati.

Kareena : Tera ye Dharmendra vala style pahali bar dekh kar mere andar kuch ho rha hai Dharmendra

To kya hum kah sakte hain ki...Apke relatioship mein kiya Is the man..Nahi Kiya ek ladki hai...aur main ek ladka hun,Par apke confusion samjh sakta hun. Ghar sambhale to ki..Bahar jakar kam kare to Ka....According to Hindustani Sabhayta.

"Pagal ho gye ho tum, Aurat ki kamai par jeoge ? Mard ho tum , Agar bhul gye ho to Andar jake chaddi utaar ke ek baar check kar lo

Main apni Maa jaisa banna chahta hun .....Excuse me  ? Kaun thi tumhari Maa.....House Wife...Kya ?

KA: Robot Hai Tu Robot, Corporate Robot, Tere Hardware Mein Kuch Soft Feelings Hi Nahi Hai...
Ki: Softness Hai Yaar, Choo Ke Dekh

Ammi Jaan kehti thi
Koi Dhandha chota nahi hota
Aur Dhandhe se bada koi Dharm nahi hota
Ab yehi mera kalma hain aur yehi mera majhab

Baniye ka dimaag aur Miyanbhai ki daring!